Four Habs Fans

Goodbye, bitCHes

2011-10-04T11:25:00.001-04:00

Your momma always said to go out with a bang. So, BANG.

More than four years ago, three idiots and me decided the internet needed a blog about the Habs that was funny, hateful, and told the honest truth about the Habs' suckitude (at the time). We also thought the internet had a shortage of half-naked CHicks that needed to be remedied. 2375 posts later, I would say we succeeded on both fronts.

Four years and 2375 posts is a long fucking time.

I've had a recurring thought lately as I've laid (lied? lain?) on the couch taking meth - when does a blog end? Now, I'm not talking about the professional bloggers who make a living at it; Puck Daddy will be around long after the nuclear war that kills the rest of us. But we're not professional bloggers. We make our living being pond scum lawyering types, or whatever the hell moe does. We blog for fun, and to have a creative outlet not present in suing the pants off someone. Any creative outlet has an ending. A novel has an end. A CD only has so many tracks. A movie's credits will roll eventually. A blog doesn't seem to have an end; it could theoretically go on forever.

And that's a problem.

Two of our closest spiritual hockey blogging brothers have come to end. Both of them came to an end after about four years. There must be something to that number, because dammit, after four years here, it's just time. The "this is fun / this is work" balance that most amateur bloggers deal with has finally tipped over to the this is work side. That blows.

So far, this has been just a long-winded roundabout bullshit way of saying we're tired. The thought of blogging another season was just too much to bear. Yes it's fun, and you guys are all awesome, but if we're losing our passion, the blogging is gonna suffer. We refuse to let that happen. Better to burn out quickly than to fade away, always leave 'em wanting more, go out on top, etc.

As this blog is not just me (thank God, or I would have been so tired I would have closed it down two years ago), I gave everyone a chance to write something one last time. Here's what they came up with:

HF10
Since last year's Stanley Cup final, thugs have destroyed Vancouver's downtown and irreparably damaged the city's reputation, the best and most exciting player in the game has announced he won't be ready for the start of the season because of recurring issues after a concussion brought on by a cheap shot, three separate "enforcer" type players have tragically passed away and an entire hockey franchise was wiped out in a horriffic plane crash in Russia. Clearly, the hockey gods are angry that the Bruins won, and I'm not tempting fate by writing on this blog for one more goddamn second.

LG77
OMG PONIES!!!!1!!!!!1 YOU GUYS I am soooooo looking forward to FHF's new season!!! My doctor gave me this shiny new set of pills and it means that I'm going to be totally positive about everything about the Habs because, people are right, this team is going to win the STANLEY CUP BABY ZOMG!!! I didn't pay attention last year, but I assume that a totally deserving team won it, 'cause, like, assholes never get rewarded for their assholery, right? And this year, we're going to be the bestest ever because Markov has a bionic knee that will turn him into, like, the Steve Austin of hockey and now that Colin Campbell is gone Shanahan is totally going to make sure that when people goon it up against the Habs that they're called for their meanie pants moves because Gary Bettman is, like, TOTALLY into fair play now and I hear that David Desharnais grew, like, 12 inches over the summer (random growth spurt I KNOW) and Jacques Martin is finally going to put together a series of plays designed to put the puck in the net and we can even start campaigning now for PK SUBBAN AND CAREY PRICE to share the Conn Smythe because we are just that fucking awesome, amirite??!! I can hardly wait to share my newfound positivity with our readers!! TRIPLE LOW FIVES ALL AROUND BABY, ÇA SENT LA COUPE AND PLAN THE PARADE!!!!11!!!!!!!1

Wait, what? This is FHF's last post? You're shitting me, right?
...

Thank Christ. Not sure I would have been able to keep that shit up all year.

GG11
Let me just say Go Admirals Go!

moeman (+ Mick)
I saw 4, 10 & 33 today at a CHez Parée reception
A glass of wine in their hand
I knew they would meet our danse-à-dix connection
Already at her feet was a Pants!loose ovenmitted man!

No, FHFers can't always get what they want
FHFers can't get the ice cream they want
FHFemmes couldn't always get the manly pics they wanted
And when I blogged sometimes you found
You got the moe-rass you needed

I saw LG today at an Apple reception
A glassy new iPhone4S in her hand
I knew she was gonna lose her WiFi connection
At her feet was a Pants!loose ovenmitted man!

Anonymous, you can't always get what the fuck you want
You can't always comment what the fuck you want
You can't always fuck like you fucking want
But when you logged in sometimes you might find we knew
You'd be the fucking jerk you needed to be

Oh yeah, hey hey hey, oh … What!?

And I went down to a 4/20 demonstration
To get my fair share of some hooCH
Singing, "I'm gonna vent my FHFrustration
If I don't I'm gonna blow a 50 gram fuse"
Sing it to me now ...

You can't always smoke what you want
You can't always meth what you want
You can't always drink what you want
But if you try sometimes well you just might find
A Pants!loose ovenmitted man!
Oh baby, yeah, yeah!

I went down to the CHelsea drugstore
To get 29's presCHription filled
I was standing in line with Dr. & Mrs. GG
And man, did she look pretty CHill
We decided that we would have a soda
My favorite flavour, Habs CHerry red
I sung this song to Dr. & Mrs. GG
Yeah, and GG said one thing to me, and that was
Is that a Pants!loose ovenmitted man?

You can't always get what you want, (no bleu BR!)
You can't always get what you want (fuck ya McSplooge!)
You can't always get what you want (no bob cold!)
But if you try sometimes you just might find
You get what you need
Oh yes! Woo! PFK! TFS™ PleXXXE! Tits! Squid! Gio!

You get what you need--yeah, oh baby!
Oh yeah! GYFHG!

I saw Kristin today at the CBC's 75th reception
In her glass was a bleeding man
She was practiced at the art of deception
Well I could tell by her blood-stained ovenmitted hands

FHFers, we can't always get what we want
We can't always get what we want, a 25th Stanley!
We can't always get what we want, see you at i/o Hockey?
But if you login here sometime, you just might find
You'll get the ass you need
and just maybe
a Pants!loose ovenmitted man!

You get what you need, ah oui …

HF4
Final post? Didn't you guys pull the cord on your comatose blog after the readership sank to 6 when I left?

Panger
No thanks, I’m retired!

Good stuff team. You're the best 3/4/5/6 people I could ever blog with. Man I'll miss this place.

The one reason we hesitated to pull the plug was you guys out there. I've said it before and I will say it again for posterity, no hockey blog has the commentariat that we do. Witty, funny, angry, sexy, you guys are the absolute bees' knees. Hanging out in an open thread is like hanging out with friends (that I actually like) and even, dare I say it, like family (that I actually like). We need to find a (virtual) place for all of us to hang out. N31's place is pretty cool. Moey's pad is nice, though you may leave with some cat hair on you. And no doubt Steve has the best drugs. Of course, GG11 and I have other internet homes, drop by any time. And LG77 is one of the best Tweeters around, so say hi to her. It would just be a shame if we're like the group of friends that graduates high school and runs off to college all over North America, never to talk again.

Well I think we've gone on long enough, both in this post and forever. One last time: GYFHG, Die PHucktards Die, Bs suck, Fuck the CBC / HNIC / TSN / CotU media, and of course, Pants! Thanks to all of you for joining us for the ride. Your meth ice cream is in the mail.

The Morning Skate for Tuesday, October 4th

2011-10-04T07:27:00.000-04:00

Bullet points for what you missed while dreaming of the return of Arrested Development...

Habs are up in Collingwood, Ontario ~~bondaging~~ bonding with each other or something. Someone want to tell us why they have to go to Toronto cottage country to do that? Quebec doesn't have any cottage country?
Open season on Habs heads! Campy ain't happy. Even some in the CotU media think Malone should have been suspended. Here's Shanny's video explanation <cough>bullshit<cough>;
ESPN launches its first rankings, and Habs are 18th. Whatevs;
It's official, Sid the Kid will start the season on IR.

Hey just two days 'til real hockey! We're finally maybe hopefully ready to drop a stripperriffic season preview on you, so check back around noon-ish. Maybe. Hopefully.

Its a wrap ~ Pre-season, September and shots to the head end ~ bring on the fucking leaf

2011-10-02T17:32:00.000-04:00

October is made of bountiful beer, bodacious babes

and a busload of Bleu, Blanc et Rouge Boys

bound for some bonding, in Colingwood.

Buh bye boring and bleu pre-season,

hellloooo Habs (can I still type that?) hockey!

~ ~ ~

Bleedin' for your BBRethren = sign Gorgeous Josh long term, now!

~ ~ ~

Front of da bus for our beautiful boy. PFK! is gonna fuck up

don cherry's and mike richards' racist shit this year.

Man, I'm gonna man up and just say it, I love this PFKid!

~ ~ ~

Gratuitous Gina Gershon gushing, gosh darn g(oogling).

~ ~ ~

ryan malone, headless breast shot.

~ ~ ~

ron mclame (with beer & air guitar), sagging breast shot.

~ ~ ~

Can you guess that I cleaned up the garden today?

~ ~ ~

Fuck you, you leaf, how does it feel like to get punched in the face?

~ ~ ~

Word is Phil Kessel gained a bit of weight this summer. Nice beard.

~ ~ ~

Gratuitous Kate Upton pic. Sometimes, words fail me.

~ ~ ~

My seasonal message to hnic.

~ The Ends ~

G Y F H G !

The Weekend Open Thread of Love Needs to Bathe

2011-10-01T08:38:00.002-04:00

Good morning, y'all! It's October, there's a nip in the air and real hockey is around the corner. Before we get to real hockey, there's one more round of fake hockey for the Habs to lose, tonight at 7 from Quebec City against the Bolts, on RDS. Over/under on mentions of the Nordiques and / or NHL's return to La Capitale? 3000. And please, FFS Habs, give us something to be happy about to prep for the season.

Plenty of hockey stuff to point you to today, let's see, uh, hmm. More Shanny discipline. Gallagher back to Junior. Pretty ugly leg-breaking on an icing last night. TSN 30 in 30 thingamabob gets to the Laffs, and the comments turn into Leafs fans bashing The Mexican't. Finally, while we're kind of disappointed as to how Simmons' ESPN Grantland has turned out (a little too pretentious, and even Klosterman seems lost over there), when our numbersake writes a piece about hockey head shots for them we've got to recommend it for some weekend reading.

Elsewhere, Als held on over the Bombers in a wild finish. The MLB baseball playoffs have started, if anyone cares. I so don't care or know what's going on in baseball when I saw Milwaukee was in the playoffs I fainted. The All Blacks have lost two key players prior to Canada's final World Cup rugby match tonight against them, not that Canada has a chance anyway. TWOTOL ain't just about sports of course. Have you got any movie recommendations? New fall TV shows? Books? I am currently reading The Omnivore's Dilemma, which is excellent, though it's disturbing enough I may never eat again. Though after three days of Rosh Hashanah eating, I may never have to eat again anyway.

Thread up everyone. Have a great weekend.

Sexy Friday celebrates day 2 of Rosh Hashanah

2011-09-30T08:35:00.000-04:00

Bullet points for what you missed while dreaming of having Mila Kunis over for some CHallah and honey...

Would you say it's time to panic? Yes I would Kent. Habs lose again, 4-0 to the Bolts. You can say "it's just pre-season" only so many times;
The Little Fuckity-Fuck had a six point night;
Drew Doughty cashes in with the Kings to the tune of $56 mill;
Banana tossing guy feels terrible about tossing the banana;
For the ladies today... hmm. You type "hottest Jewish male actors" and you get Woody Allen or Larry David. That can't be good. All the handsome Jews are doctors. How about some Israeli male models;
Hey did you know the season starts next week? News to us at FHF, as we are still working on a season preview. Look for it to drop Monday or Tuesday.

Unlike the men, there are sexy Jewish female actresses up the ying yang. Here's my future wife, Alison Brie, licking things. Happy Sexy Friday everyone.

The Morning Skate for Thursday, September 29

2011-09-29T08:17:00.003-04:00

Bullet points for what you missed while dreaming of a wild night in baseball...

Some players we've never heard of went back to Hamilton yesterday. That leaves 36 in camp prior to tonight's Lightning tilt, though that includes a bunch of wounded;
Have we seen the last of Swiss Mister II?
TSN's 30 teams in 30 days crap has arrived at the Habs. It seems pretty straightforward and reasonable. The Leafs vs. Habs comments there are another story;
Speaking of the Laffs, here's a solid headline - "Toronto: The Worst Sports City in the World";
Someone's been charged in the banana incident;
Shana Tova ("Happy New Year", sort of) to all the Jews and Jew lovers out there. Here's some hot Jew action (and for the ladies too) to celebrate.

Today's video of ~~Evelyne's tits~~ Habs TV is a tour of the new boards / glass at the Bell. They're bouncy. The boards I mean.

Tweet this bitCHes for 09/28

2011-09-28T06:43:00.000-04:00

Campy happy, Dumont to Hammy, no punishment for Simmonds calling Avery f**gy. NTTAWWT.
#feelthesexyualtensioninthisvid

Tweet this bitCHes for 09/27

2011-09-27T08:25:00.000-04:00

Meh, whatevs; Campoliolioli, cuts, more cuts, Happy bday Mr. n. #gettingclosetorealgames

Tweet this bitCHes for 09/26

2011-09-26T06:44:00.003-04:00

It's only pre-season, thank fuck; don't hit Laffs, you get suspended. #letscheckhowthenewhastvCHickisdoing

It's a weekend open thread of love!

2011-09-24T11:32:00.004-04:00

Patches! Als! Sens tonight, Bs tomorrow. I have to run off, I'll update later, talk amongst yourselves. That's what TWOTOL's all about anyway...

SUNDAY MORNING UPDATE. Habs lost 3-2 last night, thanks to a goal in the last minute by Chris Neil (seriously?). Not much of a game to remember, except for Squid's 2 goals thanks to Palushaj's two helpers. Beaulieu showed he's not ready for prime time, despite RDS' insistence he is. TFS hopefully continuing his pattern of playing meh in the pre-season only to win almost 40 games in the regular season. Although he did have some huge saves at key times, and the Sens' 2nd goal bounced off a hundred skates before it went in.

Bruins tonight, at 6 pm EST from Halifax. PatCHes did not make the trip out East, and the Shaved Gorilla has been on and off with a leg injury all pre-season so he probably won't be there either. Don't forget CHicken! In other former-Habs-with-CH-in-their-nickname news, CHeez Whiz is in trouble.

While you wait, nice NFL double at 1 PM (at least on northeast stations) with Giants-Eagles and Pats-Bills (Bills are good this year). Or you could catch up on some housework. You're bathtub is disgusting.

moeman updates that i/o reports the following; "The Boston Bruins will play defenceman Zdeno Chara and forward Benoit Pouliot tonight vs. the Canadiens, but will sit both players tomorrow on the team’s date back at the Bell Centre."

Guess the shaved ape won't be relaxing at the Boston Zoo today and is too small-balled to play in Montréal, also, too CHickenshit.

Sexy Friday is handing out some discipline

2011-09-23T06:34:00.000-04:00

Bullet points for what you missed while dreaming of a whole new set of Kate Upton bikini pics...

Habs have four games in four nights starting with the Sens tonight. We're tired already;
Tonight's game will include the appearance of The Mexican, whose lower body is ready to not score goals;
NEVER touch a Leaf, you will pay. Shanny the punisher hands out five pre-season and five regular season games to Jody Shelly;
Shanny also handed out 4 + 1 to Letourneau-Leblond, who didn't hit a Leaf;
THERE IS A BANANA ON THE ICE! THERE IS A BANANA ON THE ICE! Actually we shouldn't joke because this looks like it may be a disgusting racist incident. Ugh;
MIke Modano will sign a one-day contract so he can retire a Star;
PJ Stock feels bad;
For the ladies today, Cosmo puts together a slideshow of 64 hot guys without shirts.

As you can well imagine, "discipline" videos are pretty out there. So here's some random artsy fartsy strip tease video (no nudity, but close, so close your office door). Happy Sexy Friday everyone!

Tweet this bitCHes for September 22, 2011

2011-09-22T07:22:00.000-04:00

The children - Gallagher and Beaulieu - are our future. #weneedrealgamesalready

PatCHes preview and open thread

2011-09-21T15:56:00.002-04:00

I was going to use the "face smashed into a stanchion by a gorilla" pic, but wanted something happier

Tonight, at 7:30 on RDS, PatCHes returns to the Bell Centre ice for his first game since the, uh, the you know what. I will admit it, I may get weepy when I see him. It's the dust. Fuck the NHL and fuck the Shaved Gorilla. This will be a happy ending.

Summer ain't officially over ...

2011-09-20T22:43:00.002-04:00

OK, so our Habs lost, 6-3, in a pre-season game.

Lotsa kinks to be worked out but Colé scored and Gremlin had a nice hit,

so that's nice. No ice cream? Not so nice. Bonus, its still-Summer weather.

RDS calls it an early costly loss. Really. Do they think ratings'll suffer?

As our own gillis would say, "meh". CHill out FHFers, you could be a leaf fan.

Or Steve-Olé, now dats gotta hurt.

Regardless. Summer has yet to set.

Enjoy the warm weather,

the real CHill in the air ain't far away and it could be

much, fucking, worse.

Be good and be good to eaCH other.

The End.

G Y F pre-season H G !

Hockey! Pre-season! Players you've never heard of!

2011-09-20T07:08:00.003-04:00

Yeah, this is about as recognizable as some of the Habs on the ice tonight

Tonight at 730 PM, from the Bell, on RDS, against Dallas. WOOOOOOOOOOOHOOOOOOOOOOOOOO! Hockey motherfuckers! Too bad I have plans, because pre-season hockey is the best.

Players you've heard of who are in the game: Squid, Pleks, Tits, Cole (uh, nickname? did we figure that out yet?), Gremlin, Gill, TFS.

Players you've never heard of: Everyone else.

In honour of the first (sort of) game of the season, here's a good old fashioned stripper pic for ya. Stop your whining.

Tweet this bitCHes for 09/19

2011-09-19T08:28:00.002-04:00

RT @MCammalleri13 Tweeting while driving is dangerous. Never do it. Unless ur parked on a bridge. #champlain #victoria #mtl http://yfrog.com/h65jgwcj

FOUR FUCKING GAMES THIS WEEK. Sked.

#lovethisvidedandpjrule

(Y)Emelin!

2011-09-18T10:03:00.000-04:00

Oh hello. Happy Sunday to you. Why aren't you in church? You should be, you sinners. While you wait for the Als game or the NFL game of your choice, enjoy these videos of Alexei (Y)Emelin wreaking havoc in scrimmages yesterday. Drool. Well except for the potentially taking out PatCHes' knee part.

Sexy Friday is going in for its pre-season physical

2011-09-16T08:08:00.001-04:00

Bullet points for what you missed while dreaming of Scarlett Johansson nude photos...

It's time! Habs report for physicals today and actual camp starts tomorrow. You can feel hockey in the air, and it's not just the fact we froze our ass off last night;
Puck Daddy's previews have arrived at the Habs. It seems relatively fair and accurate, which is a surprise. But for the love of God don't read the comments. Remember the old Puck Daddy Comment of the Day feature we had around here once? Well, we can't pass up this one: "Leafs are gonna kick their @#$% and finish ahead. Montreal will be fighting for 8th. Price won't play as well as last year. Leafs will get 6th or 7th.";
Leafs sign Luke Schenn to a five-year deal, Tronna plans a series of parades;
Finnish Flash signs on for another year with the Ducks;
The Dallas Stars are bankrupt and being sold. Another successful Southern franchise;
Tweet this bitCHes - the NHL has a new social media policy, and it means there won't be any Tweeting from the locker room;
Habs TV has a cute new host(ess);
Here's a video of some amazing pole dancing, for no reason;
Kate Upton goes to football games too. Could she be any more perfect?
Some yutz named Allen Mendelsohn has a new blog. We bet that's the last we hear from him.

We're turning over the video section of Sexy Friday to the ladies today, but don't worry, everyone will like it. Do you enjoy handsome young defensemen of African descent showering and working out? Then we have the video for you! It's really just perfect, except for the fact it's filmed in Toronto. Happy Sexy Friday everyone.

A children's treasury of Markov pics in tribute to his knee

2011-09-15T11:34:00.000-04:00

It's being reported that Vodkov's knee is, uh, not good. This has us worried! If you want to know why, you can just go ahead and read J.T., who sums it up perfectly as usual. We will use it an opportunity to fondly look back at some of our favourite GG11 Vodkov masterpieces over the years.

Rookies ~ You gotta luv em'

2011-09-14T16:39:00.002-04:00

Spring is in the air, um wait a sec., Summer is almost over! FHFuck!

Lots of youngsters showing up for rookie camp,

Fall can't be too far and yes, Habs hockey is soon upon us.

I can almost taste the FHFree ice cream! (for any new FHFers,

just make sure to post lots of comments to get a lick).

~ ~ ~

J.T.'s fun take on rookie camp.

DDD does daily duty describing debutantes.

25Stanley thinks LouisLouis will be tenderized.

Ms. Universe 2011 rookie camp news/pics.

~ ~ ~

Rookie FHFers, press some flesh.

~ ~ ~

Not so much a rookie band but a great free fucking PJ song titled Olé!

~ ~ ~

Hep cat hype and some pretty hep Habs cats.

~ ~ ~

Remember being a rookie Chef?

~ ~ ~

The End

~ ~ ~

GYFHG!

Hockey! Habs!

2011-09-13T07:58:00.000-04:00

The first grainy video of rookie camp. We have no idea what's going on, who's who, or anything. But it's hockey.

Tweet this bitCHes for September 12th

2011-09-12T07:24:00.002-04:00

ROOKIE CAMP FUCK AND YES. #it(sorta)begins

(lap dance to orangeman for the photo link. via)

Sexy Friday will whip you into shape for the season

2011-09-09T08:06:00.000-04:00

Bullet points for what you missed while dreaming of Candice Swanepoel in multiple lingerie costumes...

Rookie camp is a mere THREE DAYS away! Here's the full lineup. It includes players I've heard of! I AM EXCITED. I just came, and it's not just Kate up there;
TSN will have 30 games of Habs regional coverage this year for you folks who have Bell or Shaw. The 90% of Habs fans with Vidéotron, not so much;
Players don't want to go to the KHL now. Big surprise;
Plump 'n juicy Kyle Wellwood is going to Winnipeg;
Milan Lucic had an altercation with his girlfriend. Or he didn't;
For the ladies today, Glamour mag puts together a super-celebrity out of 15 celebrity body parts. When will you women stop objectifying us men like that?

You would not believe what kind of videos you get when you search for "whipping." Well, maybe you would. NSFW wouldn't begin to describe it. So you'll have to settle for this vid from Agent Provocateur I found. They are putting Victoria's Secret vids to shame. Happy Sexy Friday everyone.

Happy Birthday Rogie Vachon

2011-09-08T10:19:00.001-04:00

I know it's his birthday because it's also mine. Me, Rogie and Pink. I think I'm the most famous one. This video is all kinds of awesome. Well except for Leafs scoring. But even I cannot deny the awesomeness of the Mike Palmateer mask at the end.

/returns to hangover (these might help)

Sidney Press Conference Preview and Open Thread

2011-09-07T08:48:00.004-04:00

Today at 12:30, Sid the Kid will address the media in Pittsburgh to talk about his health. It is the most important press conference in the history of the universe. Not to make light of concussions, especially given a certain #67, but the hype TSN is building to this thing is a little much. Especially given we can predict the bottom line in one sentence: "I'll play when I'm ready." You may now skip the press conference.

Tweet this bitCHes for 09/06

2011-09-06T08:33:00.002-04:00

Jack Todd jumps on the anti-fighting bandwagon, PFK likes the Jews. #summerisover

Happy Labour Day

2011-09-05T07:47:00.000-04:00

In honour of, we're being lazy and not working. Let someone else tweet.

Sexy Friday is flashing you

2011-09-02T06:36:00.001-04:00

Bullet points for what you missed while dreaming of Minka Kelly flashing you...

For the love of God, do not drive a boat while intoxicated, like Dustin Byfuglian. The cottage rule is that the hungover guy drives the boat because he can't drink anyway while his buddies dive into the cooler;
The NHL and NHLPA are going to look into all this death business;
Wanting to see the Habs play outdoors? Good luck with that. The best we can do is the Bulldogs hosting the Marlies at Ivor Wynne Stadium, hopefully before it collapses, as it's being rebuilt;
The Canadiens Magazine interviewed Pedro Martinez, because he's the first thing you think of when you think of the Habs. I keed, it's actually got some juicy nuggets, though frustrating for 'spos fans;
Free weed!
For you ladies today, Ryan Reynolds is flashing you his pecs and abs.

We close today not with Victoria's Secret for a change, but rival lingerie company Agent Provocateur. It features everyone's favorite crazy pair of tits from Boardwalk Empire (new season starts September 25th, w00t!), Paz de la Huerta, flashing you. ¡Caliente! Happy Sexy Friday everyone. (via)

Tweet this, bitCHes for SEPTEMBER FIRST, bitCHes

2011-09-01T06:38:00.002-04:00

Bell ice is down, countdown clock is up, Belak and Savard each tragic in their own way. #dontletyourkidbeanenforcer

Bonne Fête ~ Happy Birthday Monsieur Béliveau !

2011-08-31T17:08:00.000-04:00

G Y F H G !

Stanley Cup pissed Michael Ryder won it as a Bruin

2011-08-30T13:15:00.001-04:00

Whilst displaying the Stanley Cup in his native Newfoundland today, Michael Ryder watched in horror as the Holy Grail said "No, I don't think so."

lap dance to FHF Nfld correspondent ncbeets for the tip

Tweet this bitCHes for 08/29

2011-08-29T08:21:00.000-04:00

22 days 'til the first pre-season game. #gettingclose

Sexy Friday is working out with vampires and balls

2011-08-26T08:09:00.000-04:00

A little something for the ladies today with a nod to our summer fling and its pathetic season. Via.

Bullet points for what you missed while dreaming of being on vacation with Bar Rafaeli...

The new spinner of the NHL's Wheel of Justice met the media and said nothing of relevance;
Your Crosby concussion update du jour says even less;
Your Habs website puff piece du jour is Lars Eller.Did you know he's been working hard in the off-season?
Though the Habs website did something interesting for a change and is allowing readers to leave predictions for the season with comments via their Facebook accounts. Man that "Allen Mendelsohn" commentor is stylish and handsome;
We never mentioned this week the announcement of the Habs new English radio play by play guy. Consider him mentioned;
Buffalo will have a new arena name this year.We miss The Aud;
Because there is really not much hockey and we need bullets, here are Victoria Silvstedt's massive tits in a bikini.

God bless Victoria's Secret and their ability to put out new videos every other day. Here's something about exercising with balls. Or boxing or something. We kind of black out when we see hot blondes in workout clothes. Anyway, time to hit the gym. Happy Sexy Friday everyone.

Goodbye, cocknockers

2011-08-25T09:11:00.003-04:00

It came to my attention yesterday that myfo, aka melt your face-off, has shut its doors forever. Now, the fact that I only found this out more than two weeks after the fact might tell you something about how far myfo may have fallen in notoriety and influence, but that's neither here nor there. In its heyday, myfo was the best hockey blog on the internet. Period. In fact, I've long considered them FHF's spiritual brothers. Or at least some long-lost relative. So let me put on my serious hat (I swear I have one) for a moment to give LeNoc, Weed, Rask, RD, and even that PHucktard-lovin' Hex the tribute they so deserve and seem not to have received from anyone.

It's hard to believe now in an age when every idiot out there has his own hockey blog, but there was a time when the sports blogosphere ignored hockey. Both FHF and myfo sprang up to try to fill that void. And we did it in the same way - a group of guys who loved the game but would write anything, skewer anybody, and not be beholden to things like "facts" or "journalistic integrity." And just like the best of FHF, there were so many times when you finished reading a myfo piece and you would say to yourself, "wow, did those fuckers really write that? You can't put that on the internet!" But they did, and they did it every day better than anyone else, even us. At their peak I lived in the myfo comments section because I lived on that site because everything they wrote was gold, Jerry, gold. Even when they wrote about us. They set the standard for what every funny hockey blog on the internet should be, and for that, they must be remembered.

[removes serious hat] Goodbye, cocknockers.

The Afternoon Skate is looking stylish

2011-08-23T15:29:00.003-04:00

Helloooooo, handsome.

Bullet points for what you missed while you've been stuck at work with an IT department that blocks every interesting site on the interwebs...

In light of TFS' stylishness, Squid Tweets his fashion preferences and offers fashion tips;
Sid's agent is denying all this crap about his client not being ready for the season because of the return of concussion symptoms. Because agents (fucking lawyers) tell the truth all the time, we of course believe him. And Steven Stamkos has weighed in for some reason;
Ovie is hawking chocolate bars now. There's videos and everything. We'd bitch, but as any 420'er knows, Mr. Big is a fine product. Chewy and crunchy all at once;
Here's a nice puff piece on PatCHes' upcoming season. Even the Canadiens website is bored;
If you've got nothing to do at 4 PM today, turn on TSN2 and root for 12-year olds. PUMMELL THE SHIT OUT OF THOSE JAPANESE IMPERIALIST ASSHOLES. Sorry, the LLWS is the only baseball we watch anymore, and we take it way too seriously;
Over at our summer fling, we've got the weekly True Blood recap and as a special bonus, TMS singing. Don't judge;
Anyone feel the earthquake this afternoon?

As you were.

Anticipavacation ~ things to do and to look forward to on 08/22

2011-08-22T10:40:00.005-04:00

Its been a long, lazy, sometimes hazy summer with almost no real hockey news for what seems likes months since the Broons were handed a fucking tarnished Stanley Cup. Even the Canadiens official site is bored to the point of main-paging a July story about the contractual status of players. I could easily replicate the daily links Habs, er Hockey i/o puts out, that would be too easy but I do like this BR (Bleacher Report, not Bertrand Raymond) story. Feel the ice creamy optimism about contending for #25!

Bits of tid and other things to look forward to;

~ An Avenging Colby Smulders ~

~ Thanks/Merci/CHeers Jack ~

~ iPhone5 ~

~ The original Fred Flagstone clip ~

~ 'The Waiting', its the hardest part ~

~ Back to sCHool ~

~ Vodka 101 ~

~ Great end of Summer bonking, er reading ~

~ The End ~

GYFHG!

Sexy Friday is playing with the size of the nets

2011-08-19T07:45:00.003-04:00

Bullet points for what you missed while dreaming of a Candice Swanepoel and Lily Aldridge Lingerie Sextacular...

The NHL's R&D camp has come up with the awesome idea of making the nets four inches narrower. This will give Big Tits an extra 4 inches of space behind the net to lose the puck;
Also from R&D camp (one time, at R&D camp...), something about curved glass stanchions between the benches designed to protect the players. A little late, assholes;
Here's your HNIC schedule news for the coming season. It includes the Habs on a couple of Thursdays and a Friday. Hockey night ain't what it used to be;
We also count about 15 Habs games on the TSN schedule;
Looks like Sean Avery is getting off scot-free in his police battery case, because he didn't actually push the cop. He just stood there and waved his stick in his face;
Lap dance to N31 for pointing out video of Alex (Y)Emelin skating in Brossard. He looks big and mobile. *wipes drool from chin*
A preview of 2K's NHL 12 video game, which includes a new "legends" mode so you can be Gretzky, Howe, and... Börje Salming?
Your bonus Sexy Friday bullet is an Emmanuel Chriqui gallery, a Montrealer we can all be proud of.

You would not believe the kind of videos that come up when you search for "hot babes in nets." Man those Japanese are crazy. So instead enjoy this video of the Victoria's Secret bra you may have noticed (or not) in the pics linked above. Happy Sexy Friday everyone.

Funktastic Summer! ~ babes, ice cream, fresh tomatoes? I need a FuckinHockeyFix

2011-08-17T17:02:00.000-04:00

Feel like CHompin' on a puck? Miss the sweet, salty smell of your favourite jock? Tired of Googlin' for PatCHes in a tuxedo pics? Still bringing up bile over the sham Broons Stanley Cup 'win'? Didn't dump your RIMM stock fast enough to buy gold or better yet Apple? The wait ain't over. Still a few weeks before some serious hockey talk and some fun puck news but never, ever forget that we have the fabulous J.T., the informative Arpon and of course the never ending stream of leaf, laughs.

~ ~ ~

For Steve.

~ ~ ~

Nice scarf, NTTIAWWT. Oh and Dr. Fuckface Recchi.

~ ~ ~

Its tomato season!

~ ~ ~

Parliament that doesn't suck.

~ ~ ~

Beam me back to California for this...

~ ~ ~

... and this

~ ~ ~

G Y F H G !

Tweet this bitCHes for 08/16 ~ Proud Papa edition

2011-08-16T18:23:00.003-04:00

MCammalleri13 Michael Cammalleri

Thanks for the nice tweets. My girlfriend and I became proud parents this past weekend. We now have an amazing baby girl.

Congrats Squid!

GYFHG!

Tweet this bitCHes for 08/15

2011-08-15T08:54:00.002-04:00

NHL.com: Glory Glory Habs-allujah. #overlyoptimisticforamonday

Sexy Friday is a little late. It was working out.

2011-08-12T16:36:00.004-04:00

Padma has a new ad campaign. We approve. Via.

Oh hello! Apparently it is Friday, as a certain commentor has reminded me on several occasions today. Problem is, I am SO HUNGOVER (stop screaming 29) from a three day booze fest (God bless, and curse, the Pimms Royale) in the Eastern Townships I just sort of, uh, forgot? Or these non-hockey August blues just got me out of blogging practice. So apologies everyone!

Let's see what's going on. Hmmm, right. Well, more Big Tits - JM fallout I guess. Who's up for a Martin firing? I should write a post about that some day. I almost wish the Habs would start the season 0-5 or something so we can toss CHokula for good cause. Elsehwere, it was 17 years ago today that the 1994 baseball season was suspended for a strike. 'Spos World Series dreams dashed. Here's a little vid for some memories of the O.

But you didn't come here for memories of CHampionships that didn't happen. You came here for sex. So besides Padma up there, take a look at Candice Swanepoel in a bikini, then see her come alive in not one, but two new Victoria's Secret "sporty" commercials, to make up for our lateness. Happy belated Sexy Friday everyone.

WTF!? a fresh new post to lick on 08/11!

2011-08-11T11:40:00.003-04:00

Hey FHFers, how's the dog days of summer treating you?

Not muCH goin' on in Habs (can I still, legally, type, that word?) land,

so a few parting head shots.

~ ~ ~

Is Fuckface chara headed to the clink? (Warning, lots of Habs/Montréal haters).

~ ~ ~

Cool rockers with head's full of nice hair.

~ ~ ~

Are Ernie & Bert headed to the altar? NTTIAWWT.

~ ~ ~

Look up, its a Kate Upton headshot.

~ ~ ~

Everyone shake to some Teenage Head.

~ ~ ~

Érik Colé is headlining the August calendar

~ ~ ~

Even covered in mud, Bar's head is pretty.

~ ~ ~

Head over to NYC for some amazing zzas.

~ ~ ~

'Hold Ya Head' high Bob.

~ ~ ~

Headin' out bitCHes.

GYFHG!

Tweet this bitCHes for 08/08

2011-08-08T07:50:00.000-04:00

Yeah whatevs, still nothing. #ericcoleisnohalgill

The Morning Skate for extra-Sexy Friday, August 5th

2011-08-05T07:55:00.003-04:00

Bullet points for what you missed while dreaming of Miranda Kerr's cleavage...

Als end their losing streak, AC gets another record, a Montreal team beats a Toronto team;
Sean Avery was arrested last night for shoving a cop. Sean Avery is just a complex character;
Let's wrap up all the hockey news form this past week in one bullet: Owen Nolan may be returning to the the NHL, to Vancouver; Shea Weber cashed in at arbitration; Patrick Sharp signed a five-year extension; Charles Wang says the Islanders aren't going anywhere, but he had his fingers crossed behind his back when he said it; Zherdev back to the KHL;
This week's True Blood recap is all kinds of sexy.

Still early August. Hang in there kids. This video will distract you - Kate Upton with farm animals. Here's the interview about her love of animals and her love of her own body. Happy Sexy Friday everyone.

Let me keep the sexy going ... you know I've always wanted to be under Kate Upton. Here's my CHance, the other guy is birthday boy Boston GM, Peter CHiarelli (50!) receiving a respectful rival's handshake. (click to embiggin') ~ moeman

GYFHG!

Hey look, hockey!

2011-08-03T07:59:00.000-04:00

Peter Budaj gets in some work this week at Brossard. You can just feel the playoff-like atmosphere.

Tweet this bitCHes for 08/01

2011-08-01T06:42:00.001-04:00

Habs have 5th-best goalie; pic via official Habs tat gallery. #augustbitchesmaybewe'regettingclose

~ ~ ~

Congrats to Mr. and Mrs. PatCHes.

Sexy Morning Sherwood™ ~ Viva Italia!

2011-07-29T10:55:00.000-04:00

Bella, Bella, Bella!

None shaped like a boot?

For the FHFemmes (and Steve).

Mangiare!

Mangiare!

We miss hockey (but not beer and babes)

2011-07-26T21:28:00.001-04:00

Oh hello! 29 here with some late(r) night checking in to see if you're all alive out there. As it is evening, I will be as verbose as I am brief in the morning to make a single point. I was just loitering around chez 29 when N31 commented a link which is awesome and that I actually had seen a while ago. So lap dance to you 31 for reminding me of this young PFK pic they have over there which I had been meaning to post. And allegedly the kid to his right is Steven Stamkos. But what do I know, all them white folk look alike to me.

Then while loitering around chez 29 and digging up the PFK pic I realized how JESUS FUCKING CHRIST THIS IS THE DEAD, AND I MEAN DEAD, MIDDLE OF THE OFF-SEASON. WE ARE TOTALLY FUCKED PEOPLE FOR THE NEXT MONTH (AT LEAST) NOTHING, AND I MEAN NOTHING, IS GOING TO BE GOING ON. FUCK ME. I HATE BASEBALL.

That is all.

~ ~ ~

Sorry, didn't keep my promise to update. Blame the beer. ~ moeman

Tweet this bitCHes for 07/25

2011-07-25T07:12:00.000-04:00

Als lose. Hey, we've got to report on something between now and September. #thxmoeforthemorningsherwoodlastweekdontworrykidsitwillbeback

Final piece of Stanley Cup Puzzle in place

2011-07-22T22:16:00.002-04:00

Lap dance to random anonymous in the last very sexywoody post who alerted us to the fact that the Twitters are abuzz that Josh Gorges has signed a 1 year, $2.5 million deal. TSN has confirmed its own reporter's tweet, so I'm sure it's true. That leaves zero players unsigned, and thus a full roster (give or take a few knees) set to go. PLAN THE FUCKING PARADE BITCHES.

Sexy Morning Sherwood™ ~ R U Ready 4 some news ?

2011-07-22T09:52:00.005-04:00

Happy TFS you hot & sticky FHFers.

~ ~ ~

R U Ready for some rodeo? ~ TFS™ is.

R U Ready for some football? ~ NFL™ is. (CHeerleaders!)

R U Ready for some Aliens? ~ These cowboys are.

R U Ready for some grillin'? ~ Great new foodie & drinkie site.

R U Ready for more sexy Friday? ~ I knew you were. More, um better, NsFwL here.

R U Ready for some Éric Colé? ~ I know the pic above isn't related. Sue me, cowgirl style. Bonus, I found a pic of 29 riding a horse ... OK, so he had to blow it (up) first. NTTIAWWT.

R U Ready for the (as)sign-off pic? ~ I knew you were. Have a great weekend FHFers. Stay hot. Stay sticky. Stay sexy. Yeehaw!

Morning Sherwood™ ~ Hot! Hot!! Hot!!! news

2011-07-20T07:25:00.001-04:00

Hot enough for ya?

Turn the AC(DC) up, take your pants! off and surf the news.

~ ~ ~

Crack, Boom, Bang ~ Stevie Y. signs Stevie S., who says lightning doesn't strike, in Toronto. Suck it leaf fans.

~ ~ ~

Flash! ~ 9.5M iPads sold last quarter still don't run it. Apple numbers roar.

~ ~ ~

Light up the sky ~ Deck painted, check. Gutters cleared, check. 29 seen hanging colourful lanterns on the patio. Will he be the first to dance?

~ ~ ~

Pasta salads are good for you. This one is tasty.

~ ~ ~

Esther reports that our boy CHip is a Yote. Kyle, they say its a dry heat.

~ ~ ~

You'd think it was colder there but lots of hot things in Russia.

~ ~ ~

Morning Sherwood™ ~ Stuff that'll get a rise out of you

2011-07-18T08:19:00.000-04:00

Good morning FHFers. How's the summer goin' for ya?

Our trusted (except when it comes to fine print ice cream offers)

FHFriend 29 is off somewhere painting a deck.

Lucky for us he isn't a CHeap Trick roadie.

Congrats to the Japanese Women's World Cup CHamps.

2015's version will be played in 6 Canadian cities.

Hope I'm still Solo by then.

The Stanley Cup wanted nothing of ugly Fuckface Horton.

Wonder if his wife is related to Jacques Plante?

Speaking of tomatoes, made these, on the BBQ.

~ ~ ~

29, have the beer after painting

~ ~ ~

Colé, olé, olé (find a better nickname bitCHes).

2011-07-15T20:03:00.000-04:00

Arpon meet Erik.

~ ~ ~

The Morning Skate for Sexy Friday, July 15th

2011-07-15T08:36:00.000-04:00

Your Kate Upton quota for the week has some bonus babes. via

Bullet points for what you missed while dreaming of Victoria's Secret models in spandex...

"Le but des Canadiens marqué par le numéro soixante-douze... Canadiens' goal scored by number 72... Eric Cole";
Speaking of numbers, Double D has changed his;
Goodbye Pierre McSplooge, hello Pierre The (Hash) Brownie;
Since there's really no actual hockey to speak of, here's one of the best Deadspin posts in a long long time; gonzo journalism about LSD and baseball. Look for the FHF post next week where we take a lot of meth to try and recreate, uh, the night we took a lot of meth;
Or a True Blood recap written by some schumck.

More Victoria's Secret models + swimsuits = 'nuff said. Happy Sexy Friday everyone.

Tweet this bitCHes for 07/14

2011-07-14T06:38:00.000-04:00

...#whenthetodayshowisourbiggestnewssigh

Tweet this bitCHes for 07/13 - UPDATE!!! WOOOOO!!!!!1111!!!!!

2011-07-13T08:05:00.001-04:00

... #golfseason

UPDATE - we have another signing!!! Finally some news. Ryan White signs a one-year deal. Try to hold your excitement.

CHarity is hard work, we ❤ PFK!

2011-07-11T17:49:00.000-04:00

Via EOTP.

~ ~ ~

Whilst here ...

Tweet this bitCHes for 07/11

2011-07-11T06:10:00.001-04:00

Little Tits cashes in; NHL-KHL deal. #thankgodforpfkstriporwedreallyhavenothing

Sexy Friday is HOT (you know, 'cause it's July)

2011-07-08T07:25:00.003-04:00

Bullet points for what you missed while dreaming of babes covered in chocolate...

We have a trade! The Goat lands Michael Blunden who, uh, well we have no idea who he is. But he's 6'4", so we'll take him. The BJs get Ryan Russell, giving them identical twins;
Habs also sign Brian Willsie. Who are these people? He finished 11th in the AHL last year in scoring, that's good! He's 33 years old and in the AHL, that's bad;
The media finally realized 3 days later that PFK was in Haiti. Just another example of keeping the black man down;
Welcome to the fishbowl Nathan Beaulieu (what did we decide was his nickname?);
The Preds signed four of their RFAs ahead of the NHLPA grievance, but Little Tits was not one of them;
Not hockey-related, but we find these allegations of the Als inflating attendance figures fascinating;
Also not hockey-related, but RIP Dick Williams. We remember those 1979-81 Expos seasons like it was yesterday;
Here's a gallery of all the sexiest Bar Rafaeli pics you'll find on the interwebs. Should keep you busy for ~~awhile~~ 2 minutes. (lap dance to FHF NYC friend The Stud for the link).

Here's the latest Kate Upton SoBe commercial (what is SoBe anyway?). We think the humour takes away from the sexiness a bit, but after those Bar pics you're probably finished so no biggie. Happy Sexy Friday everyone.

Tweet this, bitCHes for 07/07

2011-07-07T06:05:00.000-04:00

RT @Number31 Fucking Tampa Bay. Get yer own players! #nothinggoingon

via. More Haiti pics. Donate to Hockey for Haiti.

Tweet this, bitCHes for 07/06

2011-07-06T05:56:00.000-04:00

Habs sign some goalies; Gorges to arbitration; Kaberle a Cane. #realhockeywithdrawal

via. More cool Haiti pics. Donate to Hockey for Haiti.

Tweet this, bitCHes for 07/05

2011-07-05T06:24:00.003-04:00

Brock Trotter, bitCHes! PFK to Haiti; True Blood recap has tits. #yawn

via. Donate to Hockey for Haiti here.

~ ~ ~

Happy Independence Day to our American Overlords

2011-07-04T08:29:00.002-04:00

I'd like to remind you that as a trusted blogger, I can be helpful in rounding up commentors to toil in your underground sugar caves. Enjoy your holiday, you imperialist dogs!

A couple of trades went down yesterday. The big one was Heatley for Havlat. And Burke got some concussions out of Nashville for some spare parts. We are into the serious dog days now people.

We have signings!

2011-07-01T14:59:00.005-04:00

Okily-dokily.

After losing the Jagr and Talbot sweepstakes to the PHucktards (I thought that was illegal in Pennsylvania), Habs have replaced Alex Auld with Peter Budaj. Stupid sexy Flanders.

~ ~ ~

"Does Eric Cole have anything left in the tank? At least it'd keep him from scoring against the Habs." ~ HF33 Let's hope there's gas and its high-octane. Needs a nickname, 'Tank', 'Pump', ...?

~ ~ ~

Habs UFA Preview and Transformer 3 Review

2011-07-01T02:58:00.000-04:00

Even this wasn't enough to save it.

There is a striking similarity between the two subjects of today's post.

Let us take a stroll through the garden of UFA's, conveniently for me listed by what may well be their future former teams. That stroll may give you a clue as to what the similarity is. Let's see if you can guess.

(Of course, if you're saying to yourself the caption already gave it away. Well.. okay, yeah, I can see that. That movie suuuuucked. And I got sucked in by the hype, agaaaain.)

Anahiem: CHips! Yeah, no. Have a nice AHL career. Only a tad more seriously, how about Ray Emery as backup? Not gonna happen, but if he did I'd put the over/under at 2.5 for the number of wins he gets before he punches out a cop on St Laurent. And maybe "accidentally" gets shot by Montreal's esteemed Constabulary.

Boo: I don't want anything from their dirty smelly team, no matter what they won last year. Live in the now, it's all about next season. (through muffled tears)

Buffalo: Tim Connelly if it means Gomez is gone. Otherwise, no one.

Calgary: Blehch. And Stampede is overrated.

Carolina: Does Eric Cole have anything left in the tank? At least it'd keep him from scoring against the Habs.

Chicago: Robert Klinkhammer. I'm drooling over the photoshop possibilities.... The only guy seriously worth considering was traded and signed in a warmer place.

Colorado: Geez there's a reason they finished second last. I suppose Peter Budaj as backup? If he promised to pick up all the pucks after practice and not look Mr. Price directly in the eye at any time.

Columbus: Freakin' Wiz, that's who they shoudda signed. And Goat, you're telling me you could only get a conditional 5th? Wiz is gonna get less than $4 per and Erhoff gets traded twice for forths? I know my math is no good but that doesn't make sense to me. Getting Garon as a backup would be a good fit. He can win in streaks if TFS gets hurt, his hope of being a starter have been crushed and he was never a distraction as a backup in his first incarnation when he did have dreams.

Dallas: **Crosses fingers for miracle that come October Gomez is in ugly orange and Richards in bleu-blanc-rouge at a premiere franchise discount** Yeah, again not probably gonna happen.

Detroit: They're probably gonna sign the Wiz and it makes me sad. But happy for Wiz. Good luck, you crazy kid and your tweeter thingy with the saying stuff. I think Eaves has wheels so maybe he's be okay for depth.

Edmonton: Jeff Drouin-Deslaurier: Yes, it will cost Brother Geoff a fortune in lettering, but with French-Canadien depth in Garon shutting the bench door in the bigs and DoubleD down in H-town: three birds - one stone.

Florida: Bergfors seems the most attractive option and he looks smallish, and can't seem to score or defend very well. He's probably going back to Sweden. Bernier = Pouliot.

L.A: Handzus as a slightly bulkier and younger left shooting Jeff Halpern? No? Maybe Alexi Pod..in know there's a k in there.. anyway him for the third line so he can have a Post-Soviet always disappointing lazy ass to replace the French Canadien one we appear to have just let go? Mmm...perhaps I've already given away my position on the proposition.

Minnesota: Gio aside, Andrew Brunette's ass had more goals than most Habs wingers. So okay, except he's super slow. Other than that...

...

...

Okay fine, bring him back as a backup. As long as Mr. Paris Hilton behaves, and I suspect he would, now. (So last Hilton joke if you come back, I promise.)

Nashville: They just cut a Dumont! Hey, he's big! Plus, he scored! But, than was then. Now, he's slow. And, he's done. Please don't be seduced by the dark side, Goat.

New Jersey: The Moose! He'll probably be too expensive but I'd love to see Hedberg in MTL, just for the legend and the headgear.

New York (real): Formerly overpaid ageing superspuds anyone? Well then, you have your pick of the litter: The Drury, McCabe and Prospal models will all available for perusing. Please leave it at that. Prospal may seem intriguing for his size, 20-25 goal potential and playing alongside fellow Czech Pleks. But he's old and slow and no Jagr.

New York (fake): I hate to admit anything coming out of this rotten "franchise" is worth considering but if Nabby would play for what he signed for in Detroit, snatch him up. Unlikely (and is even even really a UFA? TSN says so, anyway, but I though the Wang could make Snow hold him hostage on the Island. Like he did to James Bond. I'm saying Wang is evil.) Zenon has an awesome name, face off acumen and size. But he'll probably get overpaid by some other GM in a southern climate with a cap to fill and bloodthirsty morons to satisfy - all cause of cause of his fists and the Trevor Gillies crazy smell he and his teammates can't seem to shake.

Omsk: Jagr. Please, Jagr. Even two years. Yeah a year is better, but who else is there? And he's Jagr. You can't teach that.

Ottawa: I guess Fragile Pascil (stretch, sorry) wouldn't be the end of the world as a backup but for god-that-doesn't-exist's sake, the Goat's gotta sign another quality tender. Other than that, the Butler and Greening kids were prospects once, I guess.

Philadelphia: Ville Leino. Other than that, wouldn't it be fun to see Jack go nuts with Zherdev on the team? That would not end well. And I doubt they'll get The City. Ohh, now that I see it in writing I really want them to sign him - just for that nickname.

Phoenix: Belanger - now this one, I wouldn't mind. Great on faceoffs, could anchor an awesome fourth line if they somehow got enough depth to play him, MOEn and Darche/White there regularly. Somehow. Not likely in our price range even for all his intangibles given his offensive output, one would think.

Pittsburgh: They resigned Dupuis who would have been helpful and hilarious, but is Sid's boy - so good for him on cashing in. Talbot isn't big, hasn't ever scored more than 13 goals for a pro team, and has been a substantial minus is 4 of 5 NHL seasons. Why?

San Jose: Ben Eager or Ragin' Ray? Eager might get so jacked up by MTL fans he's start eating the Plexiglas.

St. Louis: They didn't qualify Dagger? He scored 20 goals. But probably a retread for in Montreal's eyes.

Tampa Bay: We're almost done and the first guy I can get a little even excited about: Simon Gagne. Potentially fragile, yes. Alex Tanguay Redux? Maybe. Denis Savard all over again? Perhaps. But you gotta roll the dice sometimes on stuff like that, and they seemed willing with Vodkov. They've got the bucks, the cap space, the cultural fit, and most importantly, there appears to be no reason why he couldn't be a perfect fill with Pleks and Cammy on the top line. The only thing that seems like a big question mark is whether Gagne is ready to handle the Great French Canadien Saviour mantle. I'm not sure I'd want that.

Toronto: Double Blehch. And Ty Biggs is overrated, already.

Vancouver: Higgs for the third line! Please Mr. Gauthier, if we, like, swear to, like, not expect too much from him this time, can we keep him? We'll treat him nice, I double promise!! (As you can see, personally I'd be giddy as little gurl.)

Washington: Jason Arnott .. will probably get more money elsewhere. But it would be nice. Say it with me: especially if it means Gomez is gone.

Winnipeg: Radek Dvorak is the most appealing option, mediocre at best. Like Winnipeg! Bazinga!! Welcome back to the NHL, bitch. It's still cold where you live.

So one could get excited about Richards, Gagne, or Jagr. There are a handful of somewhat attractive second tier options like Leino and Prospal, maybe Connelly or Belanger or Handzus. Lots of back-up options and options for back ups, but that's not surprising. But Habs will probably walk away disappointed. Again.

Review Time: Although I have to admit there was some coolness in the movie in the form of giant robots kicking the shit out of each other in slow mo with glowing metal swords, how about you cut a million bucks from the ginormous CGI budget and spring for a decent writer. And the new blond is no Megan Fox running in slow motion. The acting was about the same, whatever. Amazingly, it managed to offend me as a nerd on two levels: both as a Transformers fan and as a Star Trek fan. I hate what you've done, Micheal Bay. Again.

So there it is. All hype, and a hugh fucking letdown in the end. That's my unnecessary long UFA preview and Transformers 3 Review that was itself unneccesarily long.

The Morning Skate tries to figure out the Habs Defense for Thursday, June 30

2011-06-30T07:07:00.000-04:00

Bullet points for what you missed while dreaming of the Pope Tweeting...

OK let's see if we can keep track of the Habs D here. Yesterday the following happened: Hamr refused the Habs offer, the Habs traded CHeez Whiz' rights to the BJs for a 7th round pick which becomes a 5th rounder if he actually signs, and Swiss Mister II signed a $1.7 million 2-year deal. So we guess this leaves us with: Vodkov, Gorges, PFK, Gill, SpatCHes, (Y)Emelin and SMII. Sound about right? Everyone start praying for Vodkov's knees right now;
CHeez Whiz pens his goodbye to Montreal;
Goodbye and good luck Paul Kariya. Always a class guy who suffered through a lot of shit;
Anyone in the market for a Chirs Drury?
Rollie the Goalie squeezes out another $3 million from his 41-year old body;
The NHLPA has called shenanigans on the Predators for not offering their RFA's contracts;
Jagr has gone missing or something.

Whew, deep breath. Tomorrow is Free Agent Frenzy Big Fat Bob Mckenzie Day, and we have heard rumours of Panger blogging actual hockey stuff. So that means Sexy Friday may be bumped. But moe found a new vid of FHF fave Kate Upton that just won't wait til next week, so we present, uh, Titty Thursday?

Shlemiel, shlemazal... I'm moving to Milwaukee!

2011-06-29T14:47:00.001-04:00

I've got my pills and my bowling ball and I'm taking a road trip!

Aufiderzein Habs.

Go, uh, Admirals!

Trifuckta ~ 3 of 4 of the 2011 NHL HHoFers scrapped the bottom of the blue&white barrel

2011-06-28T18:24:00.000-04:00

Congrats to the inductees.

You to Mark HowedidyougetinbeforeCarbo?.

Get ready for incessant CotU mediots yipping

"they-played-for-da-leaf!!!".

Also, let's all remember who actually won in 1993

and of course the best Gilmour-as-a-Hab memory.

~ ~ ~

Dougie's babysitter sends in a pic, just for him.

The Morning Skate says goodbye to an old poultry friend for Tuesday, June 28th

2011-06-28T07:14:00.002-04:00

Oh Giant Mexican CHicken, we hardly knew ye

Bullet points for what you missed while dreaming of getting some mail again...

So the Habs did not extend qualifying offers to RFA's Tom "Tommy" Pyatt, Alex "Captain" Picard and of course, Benoit "Benny the CHicken" Pouliot, thus relegating the Giant Mexican CHicken line to our happy memories of the 3 games they kicked ass together. Now, technically, the Habs could still land these players after July 1 when no one wants them, though not giving an offer is a likely sign they don't give a shit about any of them. Adios guys;
Mad Max manages to squeeze $2 million for 2 years out of the Nucks;
Kevin Bieksa also gets cash from the Nucks, 5 years and $23M;
Lap dance to GG11 for shooting us this video of Kirk being introduced to the Predators organization (jump to the 7:55 mark). The amount of times he gets called "Kurt" is comedy gold. Sad, pathetic, comedy gold;
PHucktards continue their makeover by trade;
If you think the return of TMS is an excuse to link to my True Blood review, you are correct, sir or madam.

Have a nice day.

Tweet this bitCHes for 06/27

2011-06-27T05:24:00.000-04:00

Goodbye Kirk? Realignment? Smyth always 'n 4ever an Oiler; #seriouslyifthisisgoodbyekirkimaycry

Bienvenue, Anglophone FrenCH Guy! ( ... + )

2011-06-25T07:02:00.009-04:00

With the 17th pick yesterday, the Habs took Nathan Beaulieu, an Ontarian whose dad is French but as this scouting report video proves, is as anglo as they come. He did play in the Q, so that's something for RDS. Though it was for one of those Maritime teams, so there's that. RDS may be confused this morning.

On the hockey side of things, by all accounts this was a good pick. Even McSplooge says (and I quote) "this is a good pick." OK then. He's big (though skinny) and mobile and offensive and defensive. He was a Memorial Cup All-Star. Sounds good, if we didn't already have 600 defensemen on the depth chart in front of him. Though admittedly in 2 or 3 years we may need some defensive depth. What do I know about hockey, I just post tits around here.

In other news, fuck Brian Bark and the Bs and the PHucktards.

~ ~ ~
moeman here, Day 2 update;

~ ~ ~

It's an old-fashioned Sexy Friday Draft Day (well, Round 1 anyway) Morning Skate Markov-mania megapost

2011-06-24T06:10:00.001-04:00

True Blood hottie vampires in honour of the True Blood Season 4 premiere this Sunday. Wrap around curl and I are back this summer over at True Blood...or Hockey? so check it out (if you care)

Bullet points for what you missed while dreaming of George Clooney's now-ex in a bikini...

VODKOV!! For realz this time! 3 years at $5.75 per, or $17.25 total, or $8.625 per knee. The annual salary is what he was already making, exactly. That seems reasonable we guess. Sorry you don't get a post of your own Andrei, but there's a lot of ~~tits~~ shit to cover this morning. Here's your sexy legs so you fit in;
Say hello to the new PHucktards, same as the old PHucktards, except with more Russian goalies;
The full Habs' schedule is out. Opening and closing with the Laffs again. Oh joy;
Decent explanation from Hickey about the synergy of the Team 990 radio deal;
Claude Noel (who?) is the Winnipeg ____s' new head coach;
We guess we should say something about the NHL awards from the other night. Um, congrats Pleky for finishing 13th in the Selke voting! Or how about "Suck it, Sedin losers"?
The first round of the draft is tonight in beautiful Minneapolis-St. Paul. Habs pick 17th. Here's McSPlooge telling you who will pick who;
Here's some new(-ish) Kate Upton lingerie pics.

Do you enjoy cleavage? We bet you do! Then you'll enjoy this behind the scenes vid of the Katy Perry Rolling Stone cover story photo shoot. Happy Sexy Friday everyone.

2011/10/09 ~ Mark your CHalendars, Habs vs. Winnipeguesswho

2011-06-22T19:32:00.000-04:00

No sugar that night Manitoba.
~ ~ ~

Drink up Habs fans! ~ Vodkov, 2 years, $11.5M (...) (or not)

2011-06-21T21:10:00.006-04:00

Habs i/o.

RDS.

~ ~ ~
HF29 here. I have replaced the picture of the nice ass with these less nice words. Want to make it clear THERE IS NO DEAL. I was fooled by my own blog last night (in my defense I was drunk). On CJAD this morning they said they spoke to Vodkov's agent Don Meeghan and it's all bullshit. Point is, don't believe what you read on Twitter or what Tony Marinaro says.

~ ~ ~
Please accept my apologies for getting marinaro sauce all over the FHF blog. ~ moeman

J-E-T-S Jets! Or welcome the Winnipeg _______s + ...

2011-06-21T15:41:00.002-04:00

Well it's officially official now. The NHL Board of Yahoos has just officially approved the sale of the Thrash to whoever True North Sports and Entertainment is. Mazel Tov to all the FHF readers in the Peg who we hope won't let the renewal of the bitter Jets-Habs rivalry of the 1980's spoil their enjoyment of this site. I'm sure the Habs are looking forward to a February road trip to Winnipeg.

~ ~ ~

moeman here, adding to the Canadian team fun;

Guess who isn't loved? Yup, you guessed right. NTTIAWWT.

~ ~ ~

Whilst here;

PatCHes scores a 2-year deal

2011-06-20T11:49:00.001-04:00

Not too many pics of PatCHes out there not lying face down on the ice or being taken off on a stretcher, which we felt was inappropriate for this post. Good thing we found this pic of him molesting a goaltender instead.

The Habs have just announced that Get well PatCHes! has signed a 2-year contract before becoming a restricted FA. As per club policy, financial details were not disclosed. TSN then disclosed it's worth $3.25 million.

We have so many tasteless jokes to write but it just felt too early. Get well PatCHes!

... and DDD too!

10

2011-06-18T21:10:00.002-04:00

- -> ~ ~ ~ < - -

Sexy Friday enjoys a good riot, not going anywhere

2011-06-17T05:44:00.002-04:00

This pic was everywhere yesterday. I still think it's Photoshopped.

Oh, hello there. A fine Sexy Friday morning to you all. We hope you're all enjoying your Bruins win the Cup hangover. FUCK. Ugh. Anyway, season's over, bitCHes! Time to go outside and, um, do stuff? What do we know. Anyway, this is the second "we're not going anywhere over the summer" post we've written lately. But it is the first "TMS / Tweet this bitCHes is on sabbatical" post. Yes, that morning dude needs to recharge his batteries and sleep in every now and then. (Who are we kidding - at our age our prostate wakes us up every 2 hours. TMI?). So despite the fact that the highlight of our day is reading your insane yet brilliant comments, which is why we write the crap we do every day, we've got to warn you that those daily posts might vanish for the next little while. We'll keep tabs on Habs news (if any) of course and Sexy Friday runs 12 months a year, so no worries there. But if we don't post for a day or two every now and then, don't panic, and feel free to talk amongst yourselves in whatever the last post is. Or Steve can just talk to himself. We can't imagine him not commenting for a few hours, let alone a few days. We kid because we love, Steve.

OK enough site news. Let's get to the Habs news. (...) Hmmm. Not much. Vodkov negotiations and Jagr dreams is the best we can do. Is the draft soon or something?

Let's get to the sexy news. There's always sexy news. For you Game of Thrones fans (best show on TV right now), you may be interested to know a porn star is on the show now. Here's some Game of Thrones beefcake for the ladies. For you fans of hot chicks doing housework, Vanessa Hudgens is ironing in her underwear. For you fans of hot chicks in general, Minka Kelly is hot. Let's finish this off (heh, finish) with a new Candice Swanepoel (heh, pole) Victoria's Secret photo shoot. Happy Sexy Friday, and happy offseason everyone.

Canucks collapse ~ Dark Ages of hockey return

2011-06-15T22:47:00.001-04:00

DIE BROONZ DIE FFS ALREADY

2011-06-15T07:53:00.001-04:00

Though we wouldn't object to a meteor tonight. Both these teams suck.

Tweet this bitCHes for 06/14

2011-06-14T06:11:00.000-04:00

How the fuck did Canada win a gold medal with that sieve? #theseteamsandthisseriessucksballs

DIE BROONZ DIE

2011-06-13T07:36:00.000-04:00

Look, the Mavs did it in 6, it would be nice sports symmetry to see the Nucks do it in 6 too. 8 PM, let's get this over with already so we can get on with our lives.

Bigtop broonz almost dead ~ Canucks Lap up a Game 5 win

2011-06-10T23:12:00.001-04:00

Oh how the refs tried

Cherry was pie-eyed

Marchand's nose is fucking wide

Laps flied, game untied

Kaberle looked fried

Alone at home bob cold sighed

Will ugly Lucic ever find a bride?

Collie gone to hide his biased hide

Luongo had em' h0gtied

hnic once again cried

Tonight da fucking broonz DIEd!

Bs fans out of Astroglide?

Seabass just about dried

Canucks dream almost realized

Hateful CotU mediots denied

Stanley Cup might just end up on the Canadian pacific seaside

~ ~ ~

Sexy Friday's tweeting tits for Tits

2011-06-10T07:26:00.000-04:00

Tits for one year, 3.25M; everyone hates the Bs, especially b/c bandwagon assholes; Tronna plans the parade; Victoria Secret tits. #youmaywanttocloseyourofficedoorforthisvideooftits

Tweet this bitCHes for 06/09

2011-06-09T07:04:00.002-04:00

Luuuuuu.... sucks; good stuff on the 4 games from Blair and Steve. #notoptimisiticaboutthenuckswinninganothergame

Puck Daddy Comment of the Day
Welcome to PDCOD, a new feature where we plumb the depths of the Puck Duddy comments (so you don't have to) for pearls of "wisdom". Today's comment comes from "Stanley Cup", who commented on this piece about Tim Thomas' Game 3 check and how the Nucks would answer last night (ha!). On Day 2 of PDCOD, it's fascinating to see that at least some of the commentors have become self-aware:

"These boards have become a total farce. There is absolutely no possibility of having a rational debate here."

Tweet this bitCHes for 06/08

2011-06-08T07:36:00.002-04:00

Screw the Finals. The important thing these days is Habs development camp. I don't know who the dude in the middle is, but he looks like a hockey player.

Happy bday Squid; report from dev camp; no QC arena; 'Nucks' hating; Bryz PHucktards' next goalie? #ignoringthefourgamesbullshitthismorning

Puck Daddy Comment of the Day
Welcome to PDCOD, a new feature where we plumb the depths of the Puck Duddy comments (so you don't have to) for pearls of "wisdom". Today's comment comes from "Wolfman", commenting on the 4-game suspension post: (sic'd)

"Bruins fans treated Vancouver fans deacently as it should be,but when the parents of the Boston player shows up in Vancouver it a totally different story,so what gives here canadians in vancouver???? We all heard the story on national tv. Vancouver shame shame shame,not the people you say you are, And don't foreget there are more Canadian players for Boston than Vancouver,just ask the Sedin's for more sweedish meatballs."

Someday we'll figure out what it means.

Tweet this bitCHes of 06/07

2011-06-07T08:07:00.000-04:00

We have a series; Timmy checks, so does Rome. #cleanhitbutlate

So who does Jacob$ pay off now? ~ Go Canucks!

2011-06-06T09:25:00.000-04:00

~ ~ ~

Refa! ~ Rafa!

Taiwanese animation discovers the Stanley Cup Finals

2011-06-04T07:32:00.000-04:00

Okay then.

via NMA

Sexy Friday is tweeting this bitCHes...

2011-06-03T06:26:00.000-04:00

Burrows bite unpunished, BRichards available. Canucksboobs, w00t! Die Bruinsboobs, die! #welikeweddingsnow

lily-aldridge-sexy-bride-in-white par EgotasticMedia

Tweet this bitCHes for 06/02

2011-06-02T07:32:00.000-04:00

Die Broonz die, you sucked Collie, Kirk to Sens? #manthatgamewasboring

DIE BRUINS DIE!!!1!!!!111!!!

2011-06-01T06:50:00.000-04:00

We hope you enjoyed FHF's Stanley Cup Finals Preview.

Leftover Tweets: Hal Gill, bitCHes! Das vidanya, Dawes and Boyd. Anyone feel bad for Thrash fan(s)? #diebruinsdie

Tweet this bitCHes for 05/31

2011-05-31T07:05:00.000-04:00

Fuck all going on right now. #heresbigbaldalexauldtokeepyouentertained

Tweet this bitCHes for 05/30

2011-05-30T06:59:00.001-04:00

Nathan Horton fined, oooooh, Congrats Sea Dogs! #lovethewayrdsclaimsthemasaqmjhlteam

This pic works on so many levels

2011-05-28T07:38:00.000-04:00

What's the opposite of "winning!"? via

Oh and Die Bruins Die. If they win a Cup I'll be sick. Fucking un-suspended Nathan Horton. Fucking Shit fuck fuck.

Sexy Friday is rambling

2011-05-27T06:06:00.003-04:00

Oh hello there. Good Friday morning (not Good Friday morning, but a good Friday morning, if you know what we mean) to you, kind sir or lady. After Tweeting this bitCHes for a couple of weeks now we seem to have a lot of words left over to use. Actually we wanted to Tweet this bitCHes this morning but really there was nothing to Tweet about. No game yesterday. What the hell is gonna happen when the playoffs are actually over? We may go into hibernation. The big Habs news yesterday was the signing of Joonas "The Jew" "Natty Light" Nattinnen. "Joonas is a promising young player with size and skills," The Goat said in a statement. If we had a nickel for every time we heard that. Well actually, we never hear about the size part, so maybe this is a step up? That's really it for the hockey news. Well Doug Weight retired. Yawn. We remember when he was a promising young player with size and skills (5'11" was big back then, in the '40s) . Man we're old. That may be why we're rambling. Here's a tidbit about Bettman, the NHL and ESPN, with a juicy quote that like the Globe's writer, we have no fucking clue what it means. Bettman no doubt is too busy fixing the Bs-Bolts Game 7 tonight (Rollie is starting) to give a shit though. Already he's been busy not suspending Nathan Horton. We believe that about wraps up the hockey story this morning, Memorial Cup results notwithstanding.

Let's see what else is going on around the internets? [checks Buzzfeed] Meh. The big trending news seems to be the engagement of a useless reality star known for having a fat ass and making a really shitty porno and a marginal NBA player. The world is going to hell, face it people. Sports news? The Heat are off to the NBA Finals against the Mavs. The NBA playoffs have been pretty darn good this year. We should know, we've watched enough of them because we (confession time) really fucking hate hockey (once the Habs are out). Just too depressing to watch. Though we imagine we'll tune in to some Game 7 tonight, but only after Friday Night Lights is over. Man we're rambling. Speaking of rambling, have you read Steve's blog yet? It's actually quite coherent! Well sort of. It is Steve after all. And on a wide range of topics no less! Everything from the Military Industrial Complex to the world economy to Bob Dylan to even some hockey. And as to be expected from Steve, he's prolific. Anyway, worth a read in the nightmare of the off-season. What else you gonna do?

OK enough rambling, on to the sexy. Here's LiLo frolicking in a bikini, Bar Rafaeli in a bikini, Julianne Hough in a bikini, LeAnn Rimes in a bikini, and Aubrey O'Day in a bikini. We sense a theme here. Today's vid is gracias à moeman, who found this safe for work porn video. No, really! It's a bunch of pre-sex scenes from porn movies strung together in a music video. Happy Sexy Friday everyone.

Tweet this bitCHes for 05/26

2011-05-26T06:27:00.001-04:00

DIE BRUINS DIE!!!!!!!11!!!1111!!! #bonk

Tweet this bitCHes for 05/25

2011-05-25T06:20:00.000-04:00

Freak goal puts 'Nucks in final, Hamilton got hosed, Estella Warren will kick a cop's ass. #ifeelbadforthesharksafterthisbounce

Tweet this bitCHes for 05/24

2011-05-24T07:52:00.003-04:00

F U Bruins. F U Timmy. #allihavetosay

ADDING (by request): Happy 70th birthday Bob Dylan! Here he is changing the world at Newport '65.