Habs 3 - Flyers 1 - Habs vs. Sens FHF Game Review Preview Movie review

Review:

We win. We get as many shots as the Palais des Congrès handed out in the last week to fight H1N1. In case you're unsure about that one, it's time you brush up on your inluenza litterature.

Max Lapierre makes a cute move on a Flyers D making the wrong dive in the wrong direction. Squid makes it a routine score for a rare moment of pulse on this night.

Forget any talk about carrying momentum from Friday into this game. Look at it more like a new page on a new book that had nothing to do with the charged love fest we were treated to.

The game was a total bore, despite the Urologist slapping a sharp one down low to make it the game beyond a depleted Flyer lineup.

Full marks to Danny Brière for reminding Montreal that he chose another woman of the tit of Montreal and that he still looks good and we miss him and we think we're totally over him but we're really not because nobody laughed at our jokes the way he did, and looked so sweet in his sleep the way he did and cooked such magnificent foods and just got us the way he did.

But whatever, we're over him.

Thanks to both teams for coming up with...

HF29 here - Just got a frantic call from HF4 from Second Cup. He's been kidnapped. No, actually, he wrote about 1500 more words after this that have vanished into Second Cup's crappy internet service. We're preparing the lawsuit as we speak. He's got to run, I've got to run out too, so this is what you get for preview and open thread. Habs-Sens at 730 in Ottawa, go visit SLC, Jaro starts, Pleks and Squid rule, Gomez sucks, Mara is injured, etc., etc.

Go pants. But not to Second Cup. P.S., the movie was Wall-E.

Read the whole fucking thing...

The Game Day Skate for Tuesday, December 8th

Bullet points for what you missed while dreaming of (or having nightmares of) having ten mistresses...

• Habs win! With a record number of shots! Errr, record LOW number of shots. Jacques Martin is quite proud. Pleks with two assists. Mad Max with an assist that made you think he actually has some offensive talent. .500 baby!
• Leafs, on the other hand, explode for 5 unanswered goals to beat the Thrash;
• Ovie back from suspension, scores 2 in a win, ho hum,;
• Martin Brodeur gets a shutout, ho hum, ties Terry Sawchuk;
• Canes get their first road win of the season, in Pittsburgh no less;
• In honour of the Sens game tonight, check this in case you ever wonder what happened to Alexandre Daigle.
  

We're trying out a new embedded player for your highlights today. Well, if there could be considered "highlights" from that yawner.

Read the whole fucking thing...

Phlyers' heads exploding just in time to meet the Habs

So you thought the situation with the Habs (prior to Friday) was bad? You ain't seen nothing. Flyers were fresh off losing 6 of 7 when they fired coach John Stevens and his head exploded, all Scanners-style. TSN analyst Peter Laviolette takes over, and they promptly lose 8-2. Dan Carcillo gets like, 1000 minutes in penalties that night and gets suspended for 4 games. The death spiral mantle maybe seems to have been passed from the Habs to the Flyers (knock wood). Let's set this baby up with some help from a few choice quotes from the greatest head-exploding film of all time.

Welcome to our little psychic gymnasium - 19h30 au Centre Bell. Habs on a one-game winning streak! Phlyers on a 4-game losing streak. This is our first meeting this year.

I'm going to suck your brain dry - our good friend Kristin at eager to go psycho can suck our brains dry any time.

And yet an assassin managed to infiltrate this group - Squid's Friday night hat trick gives him 15 goals, way ahead of anyone else on this team. TFS has the eyes of a cold-blooded assassin these days, and we like it.

Why are you such a derelict? Such a piece of human junk? - We'll just say after Friday night there are no cold Habs. Enjoy that while you can.

You and your brothers and sisters can bring a glory and a brilliance to our society that has never been seen before - there is no one bringing glory to the Flyers right now.

They're all pathetic social misfits. Unstable. Unreliable. - All the following Flyers are listed as 0 points in their last _ games: Carter, Richards, Giroux, Pronger, Timonen. Ray Emery is in his own stratosphere of patheticness, instability, and unreliability.

Bring the world of normals to their knees - Speaking of knees, or lower-bodies, or ankles or whatever, Little Tits is a go for tonight. TFS gets the start. Pouliot might be ready to go for the weekend. Ryan White is back to Hamilton. For the Flyers, Simon Gagne is still out.

I drilled a hole in my head. Where? Kind of obvious, isn't it? - Your post-game adult entertainment is educational. Learn the drill sex position with handy computerized graphics (sorta NSFW).

Let's see if we can scan each other in the comments

Read the whole fucking thing...

OK, Now that We're Done Celebrating and Crying, Viggo Fucking Mortensen?? Are You Shitting Me???

Ok, it’s all over now. We’ve packed up the emotion and dismantled the stage. It’s not about “Oh, Happy Birthday Montreal Canadiens, we love you, you look so young for 100!” anymore. And poo-pooing on the ceremony a mere 24 hours later wouldn’t have struck the right chord with anyone. But it’s been 3 days now and we’re over it. And now that we are, one question begs to be answered.

VIGGO MORTENSEN ???!!!!!

That’s so left field that if measured in actual baseball geography, you would have to build a whole other stadium to the left of the current stadium and have your left fielder play there all by himself on a giant and separate fucking left field.

By choosing freaking Aragorn, the Habs just blew the doors open on the strangest, nonsensical, non-affiliated what the fucks one could think of to speak at the Habs’ centennial party.

I mean, at this point if you’re gonna go with Aragorn, you might as well go with the entire cast of nutjobs on the Lord of the Rings Trilogy.

But why stop at Tolkien?

I mean if you’re going Viggan, you can venture even further and ask, I don’t know, Dolly Parton to introduce Patrick Roy! Wooooooweeeee!!!

Forget that, I mean, if Viggo’s in the house, why not just ask Harry and Sally to come on down and introduce Jean Béliveau!? That makes a ton of sense. Sally could have that famous deli orgasm right there at centre ice!

Hell, why stop there? I mean Viggo’s role in the ceremony was such a natural choice, to emulate that logic you would need to ask Freddy Kruger to introduce Ken Dryden.

And while we’re at it, maybe E.T. could have introduced some of the players. Get him to point at them with that glowing finger. Put him behind the goal and get his finger to light up every time the Habs score. Hell he should have been there.

Good job, Habs marketing brass, what a spectacular choice, asking Viggo Mortensen to walk down the red carpet on one of the most important days in this storied franchise's history. I mean what happened? Was Homer not available for the evening?

Or maybe you just could have asked fucking Benji to do the honors.

If you were going to make a splash in the surprise guest effect market, you could have asked Willy who would have been just ELATED to be there.

Viggo “Aragorn” Mortensen as the best choice to introduce Guy Lafleur? What you talkin’ bout Habs marketing brass?

Read the whole fucking thing...

The Game Day Skate for Monday, December 7th

Bullet points for what you missed while having nightmares of another year of BCS crap...

• Sens win a wacky win in Anaheim in a SO;
• Wings take care of the Rangers.

Party's over kids, time to get to work. Four games this week, starting with the Flyers tonight.

Read the whole fucking thing...

Picture Perfect: Habs 100 - Bruins 85

At around 4:30 p.m. on Friday, word began to spread that the Canadiens were going to retire the numbers worn by almost-centenarians Emile Bouchard and Elmer Lach. It struck me as being the kind of flashy surprise this team isn't known for. The Habs move slowly and cautiously on these ones with the weight of history judging silently from afar. This decision to honor the deans of the team really blew some fresh air into this stretch of ceremonies that even the die-hards have deemed overcooked. It hinted at a night of surprises to come.

The 100-second countdown lifted the curtains on a montage we've seen a few times in various edits. A familair photo here, an unforgettable wink there. It was the team's way of slowly charging the emotional batteries on a night where many of us wiped nostalgia from our faces.

What else can you do but gaze in amazement as you watch Patrick Roy's hulking frame step onto the ice in full uniform and wearing the bright red mask that stands as the third great goalie mask in this team's history. What a sight to behold.

The rest of the legends followed and we were treated to a pre-game skate that served as the highlight of the evening. Legends skating swiftly around the ice with Roy and Ken Dryden taking shots at both ends. And the emotion kept pouring in. Gordie Howe, Aragorn, the retirement ceremonies. The formula used on this birthday pretty much erased the centennial fatigue many had been feeling and renewed our enamorment with this incredible franchise.

The group that always seemed the most burdened by this long fanfare is the very recent and now current edition of the Montreal Canadiens. Their record for games in which the drop of the puck followed a long tribute to someone or something has been abysmal. Maybe the boys aren't big on the late starts; eats into their clubbing time.

But this time around, for this final tribute, the team offered itself the Boston Bruins as a centennial birthday present. This was not a game the Canadiens could even fathom dropping. You don't lose to Dallas on the final game at the Forum. You don't lose game 7 on home ice. And you don't lose on your 100th birthday.

Chapeau x3 and the many more that littered the ice to Mike Cammalleri. One of the only players to get in that room where the legends had gathered and shake hands, show appreciation for what he has now taken over and chosen to represent. One of the only players. That's just incredible and when this team loses 6-1 to an opponent at some point this season, look no farther than this revealing fact. Do they really care? Maybe on this night when time came to perform on the ice, they did. The Bruins also cared not to show up, and Tim Thomas cared not to make routine saves or puck freezes in the crease, so that helped. But it was a fitting end to a night of wonders.

Check that. This is Montreal for heaven's sake. It was the only end.

Read the whole fucking thing...

Let's just enjoy this

We'll be along with a full review of last night sooner or later, but for now I just want to watch this over and over. Dryden may be wearing glasses, but he still has reflexes.

Read the whole fucking thing...

FHF looks back on 100 years... of blogging glory

Well this is it. The 100th Anniversary crap finally comes to end tonight against Boston, and we can all get on with our lives. Thank fucking god.

BUT, we are not without nostalgia here at FHF! You may not be aware that the history of FHF is a direct parallel to the history of the Habs. Herewith, please join us as we stroll down blogging memory lane.

December 4th, 1909 - Two barristers and two solicitors are cavorting with prostitutes in Room 127 of the Windsor Hotel in Montreal. Through paper-thin walls, they overhear John Ambrose O'Brien discussing his new team, the Montreal Canadiens. The four decide to band together to create a "weblog" that will chronicle the foibles of the team through sarcastic humour and daguerreotypes of attractive women. Their plan hits a snag when they realize there is no such thing as the "web." A quick call to Al Gore solves that problem.

January 5th, 1910 - FHF presents the inaugural open thread for the Canadiens first game against Cobalt. Users are frustrated by their inability to telegraph fast enough to get their comments in. The most common remark published that night is ..-. ..- -.-. -.-

Late 1921 - FHF goes blue, as the word "fiddlesticks" makes its first appearance. Several users express their outrage at the use of such language, and go on to create HI/O.

October 1936 - Newly-appointed captain Albert Siebert is nicknamed "Babe Magnet" by FHF for his way with the ladies. The mainstream media picks up on it, but a typographical error in the Montreal Star the next morning drops the "Magnet" part by mistake, and the shorter "Babe" ends up sticking. Thus begins a disturbing trend of the MSM taking credit for bloggers' work.

1939-1945 - FHF goes dark as HF4, HF10 and Panger are off practicing law in World War II. HF29 gets a medical deferment for his long-standing opium addiction.

Sometime in the mid- to late-50's - HF4 introduces a character named "Jaro" who appears to be from somewhere behind the Iron Curtain. Jaro writes:

"My gad this agly pleyer Plante has so agly shark face he have to put mask to hide so agly face! Oh Plante! You so shark! Fat Bellyvo so snobb. He so “Hi I Bellyvo I have class, I eat cavyar, oh ho ho ho”. Fak you Bellyvo! And crybaby french pleyer racket Richard make me to laf so hard!!! He so slow and think everybady so scare becase he look at pleyer with big angry eyes. Hahahhaha! Oh I so scare Racket! You look to me with big mad eyes! I go hide now and you make goals meny time wile I hide. Screw you Racket! Nobady will remember your name in three weeks!!!"

Spring 1956 - Commentor moeman makes his first appearance, and immediately becomes a blog favourite with his clever song parodies. His first one starts:

One, two, three o'clock, four o'clock Rocket,
Five, six, seven o'clock, eight o'clock Rocket.
Nine, ten, eleven o'clock, twelve o'clock Rocket,
We're gonna Rocket around the rink tonight.

Put your C-H on and join me hon',
We'll have some fun when the Rocket scores one.

We're gonna Rocket around the rink tonight,
We're gonna Rock-rock-rocket, 'till broad daylight,
We're gonna Rocket around the rink tonight.

When the Rocket scores two, three and four,
If our boys slow down we'll yell for more.

We're gonna Rocket around the rink tonight,
We're gonna Rock-rock-rocket, 'till broad daylight,
We're gonna Rocket around the rink tonight.

Buoyed by the support in parody form, Habs go on to win five straight Stanley Cups.

The 1960's - in tribute to the forgotten dynasty, FHF forgets to write.

September 1974 - HF10 is frustrated with his new namesake's third straight disappointing season, and offers the following take in our 1974-75 "René Levesque Le jour pure laine" preview:

"I've fucking had it with that floater Lafleur. Pollock seriously blew it by picking that glorified cherry-picker. Three fucking years of him mincing around the perimeter in that girlie helmet, averaging 28 goals a year? Meanwhile, Marcel Dionne goes second overall, already has a 90 point season, and Pollock just sits back and smiles while this pansy Lafleur does nothing. Dionne's gonna win multiple Cups with Detroit, mark my words, and Pollock's going to look dumb as Robert Stanfield's wage and price control ideas. Lafleur's career is gonna last as long as fucking disco. 130 goals in the QMJHL? Big fucking deal. Dionne scored his points in a real league playing with St. Catherines. Pollock needs to be fired for this shit."

February 23, 1985 - Patrick Roy makes his first appearance as a Hab. FHF goaltending expert Panger had this to say in the next day's game review:

"With a struggling Doug Soetart pullled, the Habs turnd to rookey goalie Patrick Roy last night. While he got teh win and didn't allow a goal, I'm reelly not happy with him. He's gangly-looking and dosn't fill the net. His anguls are all over the place. And this crazy butterfly style he was using just wont fly. I can see why they send him to the AHL after the game. The kid really doesn't have much of a fuchure, and I can't picture anyone ever having their blog handle named after him."

June 1989 - On the heels of the invention of a new software program called "Photoshop" by upstart company Adobe, GoldenGirl11 joins the FHF squad. She is immediately dubbed "Yoko" by several readers. But she quickly wins over the skeptical crowd with her ability to morph Lanny Macdonald's mustache onto 80's video babe Tawny Kitaen, thus cheering everyone up during the painful Stanley Cup loss to the Flames:


June 9, 1993 - Commentors L Dude, kevincrumbs and Boob Gainey are all arrested for looting tube socks during the second Stanley Cup riot in less than a decade. They are bailed out by LawyerGirl77, who amazes police officers at Station 23 not with her legal arguments but her ability to sing "My Favorite Things" from The Sound of Music in four different keys.

December 4, 2009 - Habs lose to the Bruins after 12 hours of pre-game ceremonies leaves the team drained of all energy and the ability to give a shit. Well, more so.

Here's to 100 more years of FHF!

Read the whole fucking thing...

Bob may need some cheering up on this 100th Anniversary Sexy Friday Game Day Skate

Bullet points for what you missed while dreaming of a naked Joanna Krupa...

• Well there's some good news and some bad news. The bad news is the Habs may have sunk to a new low in getting outshot 15-3 in the first on the way to a 6-2 loss to the Sabres. The good news is that HabsFan4 and yours truly completely missed the game as we were attending our annual law firm Christmas reunion at an adult entertainment establishment. Well I guess that's good news really only for me and 4. Panger, you were missed;
• Sens also give up 6 goals;
  
• Time to admit even the Leafs are better than the Habs now;
• Luongo follows up his beatdown on Marty Brodeur with a 38-save shutout;
• Caps don't need Ovie;
• Sid gets 3 points in the Pens 4-1 over the Avs;
• BR has a nice little piece on Pete Mahovolich. No, really!

Happy Anniversary bitches.

Read the whole fucking thing...

Buffalo! Uhhhh, Buffalo! Preview and open thread

So I had this whole thing planned out about how the Habs were cold, and Buffalo is cold, and well, it was genius let me tell you. GENIUS! So of course today it's a balmy 7 degrees Celsius in Buffalo and thus the preview idea could not be more lame. LAME I TELL YOU. So instead I present you generic preview format #1.

Waiting in line details - 7 PM start in Buffalo. Habs losers of 3 straight, Buffalo winners of 3 straight. The Habs actually won the one matchup of the year so far.

Pay your cover charge to - our old friend Dani over at Sabre Kallisions.

Hot sexy Habs to watch - (looking, looking, looking...). Actually PatCHes has a point per game over his last 4. Pleks 4 points in his last 5.

Skanky Habs to watch - many, many players.

Hot sexy Sabres to watch - Ryan Miller may be the best goalie in the NHL right now, and it's borne out by his league-leading stats - .937 save %, 1.84 GAA and three SO. Up front the usual suspects - Roy, Pominville, Hecht - all seem to be playing well. Good solid group of D as well. Face it, Buffalo is a decent team.

Skanky Sabres to watch - unless backup goalie Patrick Lalime plays (a real possibility given the state of Buffalo's opponent), no one really.

On the main stage - we have a return! Big Tits is a go for tonight. That gives you the following lines:

Big Tits-Pleks-Squid
Pyatt-Gomez-White
PatCHes-Metro-MOEmaN
Little Tits-Laps-Dagger

If Pyatt and White are really our second line forwards now, first kill me, but then we need some nicknames for them. We have more lineup news too, as Jaro will get the start. Also, Gill is good to go, but he's going no further than the press box. For Buffalo, unfortunately for the huge contingent of Craig Rivet fans out there, he's injured.

In the VIP Room - Habs PP 24th in the league, while Buffalo's PK is the best. Buffalo leads the league in goals against. A perfect recipe for breaking out of our offensive slump!

Post-game adult entertainment establishment - you should see the skanks at Mademoiselle Buffalo. AND it's near the airport. If that ain't a recipe for a good time, I don't know what is.

Please continue your death spiral humour in the comments

Read the whole fucking thing...

The Game Day Skate for Thursday, December 3rd

Bullet points for what you missed while having nightmares of your alleged mistress even though she denies it having a press conference...

• Gui! has a big game, helps the Wild win in OT;
  
• In a battle of potential #1 Canadian Olympic goalies, Luongo beats Brodeur. Big time;
• Savard, flush with a new contract, helps Boston beat the Bolts;
• Speaking of contracts, the Blackhawks will announce the long-term signing today of Kane, Toews, and Keith. Kane and Toews each getting $6.3 mill per year. Compare that to Scott Gomez' contract. Tear your hair out.

Buffalo tonight. Continuing death spiral or start of a turnaround?

Read the whole fucking thing...

Goodbye, Mr. CHips

I am loathe to bump down HF10's brilliant rant about last night's game and the state of this team (so scroll down to read it if you haven't yet), but I feel we really need a post to announce the CHipchura trade, even though I'm sure you all know about already. He's off to join Saku for a 4th round pick. He's been Panger's boy, all of our boy, and the potential future captain of this team for so long, I just felt we really needed to give him a proper send-off.

So goodbye Kyle. You failed to live up to all of our expectations. The end.

Read the whole fucking thing...

Fuck. This. Team. Leafs 3 - Gutless Useless Sacks of Shit 0

So, anyone else got plans for the rest of their fucking winter? Look, I understand standing by your team when they put together a decent effort that, for lack of talent or the presence of an otherworldly star or a hot goalie on the other side they fall short, but as TMS said below, there is no fucking way I'm wasting my fucking time on such a rudderless, weak-kneed, gutless, no-fucking pulse bullshit team or performance. Laugh all you want and crack stupid "1967" jokes, claim that Taylor Hall is going to be in Bruins jersey next year, yuck it up that Brian Burke may have tossed a million picks away, but I live in Toronto and that fucking team works its ass off 100% of the time. They don't have a single passenger (well, maybe Blake) and even though they aren't as talented as most of the rest of the league, they are a miserable fucking team to play against.

This fucking Habs team is not. With Andrei Markov out, this team is one legit scorer (Cammi), one complementary scorer (Gionta), one smallish second line centre (Pleks), two potentially good goalies, a host of third and fourth liners and kids who do an average job, a few 2nd pair defencemen (Hamr and Jaro 2.0) and a bunch of 4th to 7th guys, a pair of fucking head case Belorussians and one lazy, soft as Charmin never competes albatross fucking monster contract taking up cap space & ice time. I didn't even see this game and I am fucking sick of this team. At least last year Koivu, Higgins and Komisarek fucking laid it on the line every night.

Plan the Parade: Fuck you. Seriously, fuck you, fuck Gainey for that fucking stupid Gomez trade, fuck Timmins for his annual draft pick of an American high school defenceman that we will never see, fuck Gomez for all the reasons Robert L mentions, fuck injuries burying this team again, and fuck Brian Burke and the Leafs for rubbing the Habs noses in the shit sandwich that is this fucking stupid "chemistry experiment". You want to laugh because this team is 2-1 versus Toronto this year so far? They lucked into an overtime win and a shootout win against a goalie so bad that Leaf fans are pleased when he gets hurt. Stop being smug. But for Vesa Toskala, the Habs are already 0-3 against Toronto this year and the Leafs look to be getting better as the season progresses.

The Sky is Falling: Folks, this is your team. A team that doesn't have the brains, guts, skill or will to run off a winning streak of any length. A team that is way too dependant on Cammalleri scoring and Price standing on his head to win. Blame the injuries all you want ... is Andrei Markov such a world-class talent that this team will be running opponents out of the rink when he returns? Bobby Fucking Orr couldn't carry this team past one of Pittsburgh, Philly, New Jersey or Washington to get a top four finish. Buffalo is going to fucking destroy this team this week. Ryan Miller might fall asleep he'll be so bored.

Chez Paree Bound: Someone might deserve it. Maybe Price played all right, I don't fucking know. I turned the fucking game on and it was 1-0. Thirty seconds later Jeff Fucking Finger scored and that was the fucking end of that. So fuck it. If you think someone played okay, mention it in the comments. I don't give a fucking holy hell.

Here's one fucking problem with this team: Mike Cammalleri is an excellent hockey player, fun to watch and seems to really love being a Montreal Canadien. But the problem with Cammalleri is the problem the Habs have had since Guy Lafleur left: Cammy is an excellent hockey player, but he's a second tier guy. Mats Naslund was a second tier guy. So were Vinny Damphousse, Kirk Muller, Saku Koivu and Alex Kovalev. Even the grand experiment of Alex Tanguay was a second (maybe third) tier guy. The Habs don't have a first-tier guy, don't have a first-tier prospect, and don't have the tradeables to get one, and thanks to the fucking albatross, they don't have the cap space to get one unless they gut the team ... and then they'll look like Atlanta or Toronto, with one world-class scorer and a bunch of hopefuls and spare parts. Of course, if your hopefuls and spare parts WORK FOR A FUCKING LIVING, you can certainly beat this fucking shit Habs team lead by one solid scorer who, as good as he is, can't always conjure up that bit of magic when it is desperately needed. What kind of difference would a Marian Gaborik make to the make-up of this team? Or a playing-to-his rumoured potential Andrei Kostitsyn? Or the Alex Kovalev of two years ago, when he almost (almost) reached tier one status? Fuck. Teams that don't have all-star talent need to have all-star work ethics and all-star luck. Again, this fucking team has neither.

Spare me the injuries excuse, the chemistry experiment excuse, the new system excuse, the whatever the fuck excuse you have this week to excuse this fucking mess excuse. This team is well into the season and they are a schizophrenic, soft, not-very potent offensively team with sketchy defending and weird goaltending lapses. They can be fun to watch, some of them do the jersey proud, and they seem to at least be restoring some dignity to the brand after last year's off-ice shenanigans. But here's the bottom line: They failed to fucking do anything of consequence last night, they fucking fail to do anything of consequence far too often, they fucking win one, lose two, win two, lose by a touchdown, get hurt, make a minor move, get us excited because they might have turned a corner, lose a few close ones, and then pull a fucking shitshow again. It's fucking infuriating, annoying and I'm fucking sick of it but I guess we have to get used to it. This is your fucking team, and it's pretty fucking bad.

Next opponent that will hopefully end this fucking stupid 100th Anniversary Embarrassment: I don't know. Is it Buffalo? I know Boston is going to fucking destroy us on Friday. If there's a game before that, it might be Buffalo.

Read the whole fucking thing...

The Morning Skate thinks it's time to let the fucking expletives fly for Wednesday, December 2nd

JESUS FUCKING CHRIST THAT WAS EMBARRASSING. On home ice, no less. In front of the CFL champion Als no less. TO THE FUCKING LEAFS. Habs fucking suck. These fucktards couldn't play their way out of a peewee tournament in Spain.

When asked whether it was his team's worst game at home this season, Martin said, "Bang on. Without a doubt. Definitely."

YOU'RE DAMN FUCKING RIGHT THERE JACQUES. Now why don't you get off your fucking ass and do something about it? We cannot believe we are wasting our valuable time on this piece of shit team when we could be doing something more fun like maybe repeatedly poking at our own eyes with a pointy stick covered in poison.

In other news, the Molsons are your official owners now. Hopefully they kept the receipt and can get a refund. Ovie got two games for the knee on knee stuff. Heater helped beat his old team. Other shit probably happened, we really don't care.

Welcome to December.

Read the whole fucking thing...

Welcome to the month of hell, bitches - December preview and Leafs open thread

Anyone look at the Habs schedule for December? If not, look at it now. JESUS FUCKING CHRIST. Be afraid. Be very afraid. I knew that the Olympics were going to fuck with the schedule this year but I hadn't really noticed much difference. Well I notice it now. Let's hit the bullets to really emphasize the hell the Habs are about to endure:

• We play 17 games overall. To put that in persepctive, if every month was like that you would finish the season in 4.8 months, not the 6+ months it takes normally;
• 4 games in 6 nights twice;
• 3 games in 4 nights four different times;
• The only time there are two days off in a row is Christmas Eve and Christmas Day. Won't someone think of the Jew?
• Annual holiday disaster trip to Florida thrown in;
• Oh, did I mention that the Florida trip was part of the last 7 that are all on the road?
  
• Buffalo, Pittsburgh, Ottawa, New Jersey, and Atlanta are all featured prominently. Theoretically we get breaks with Leafs and Canes. Theoretically.

So far, the Habs season has been all about surviving injuries and keeping our head (barely) above water with some grit. December is going to stretch that shit to the limit.

Ok now that you should be sweating, let's hit another set of bullets to set up the Habs-Leafs affair. Fuck me, I'm lazy today:

• Game is at the Centre of Bell, and there are conflicting reports whether it starts at 7 or 7:30. You can bet a Leafs-Habs Tuesday game is on TSN. Do you think TSN got the memo that the Habs are Canada's team?
• Habs have only won 1 of their last 4. Leafs lost last night, but are playing much better, having won the previous 2. Seriously!
• Habs have won both meetings between the teams this year;
• If you only know eyebleaf from his witticims in our comments, you're missing something special over at his Sports and the City. It's not only Leafs, but everything he writes is worth reading;
• Your hot Habs are Squid and Pleks, duh. Hot Leafs (really, there are some!) are Ponikarovsky and Hagman;
• TFS (who's starting again - maybe Jaro will get a start in the crazy December?) is listed as cold in Faceoff's Tale of the Tape, but that's total bullshit imho;
• Toronto Franchise Saviour Gustavsson is 2-3-2, 4.07, .871 in his last 7. Goaltending issues solved!
  
• Lines at practice yesterday were PatCHEs-Gomez-Moen, Squid-Pleks-Little Tits, White-Laps-Pyatt and CHips-Metro-Dagger. Hey look, we got some people back, though Gomez is technically listed as questionable, but HI/O says he's playing. And in case you didn't know, Dou$harek is back from injury for the Leaves;
• Your post-game adult entertainment is to peruse the making of the Toronto Sun Sunshine Girls 2010 Calendar.

K, let's do this.

Read the whole fucking thing...

The Game Day Skate for Tuesday, December 1st

Bullet points for what you missed while dreaming of shutting up the naysayers and moving to 11-0...

• Down goes Ovie! Down goes Ovie! Oh, did I mention it was from a knee on knee hit that Ovie got 5 and a game for?
  
• Leafs get a lot of shots, none get by Ryan Miller;
• Thomas Vokoun was taken off on a stretcher, thanks to his teammate Keith Ballard's stick, swung in frustration at giving up a goal;
• Pens get a hat trick from... no, not him, no, not him either... Mike Rupp;
• A somewhat more expected hat trick came from RJ Umberger;
• BR tries to make some point about the Impact, Als, and Habs, but fuck if we know what that point is;
• Pimp my blog time! In case you missed it in the comments yesterday, FHF is up for best Habs blog in some online poll. It's our experience that things like this are only designed to get you to sign up for the site, because you have to sign up to vote. Fuck if we'll let that stop us. So go sign up, give them a fake country (I chose the British Virgin Islands. Virgin. Heh.) and let's win this thing.
  

Big Adams Division / Original 6 / 100th Anniversary week starts tonight with Tronna. Whatever happened to that whole truculence thing?

Read the whole fucking thing...

TMS is all "FUCK YEAH" for Monday, November 30th

Bullet points for what you missed while dreaming of winning the Grey--FUCK YEAH WHAT A FINISH DID YOU SEE THAT JESUS CHRIST!!11111!...

• Sharks continue to roll along;
• Gang Bang Lang assists on the OT winner for Phoenix;
• Leafs heard about the Friday scrap at Habs practice, decide to have a scrap of their own. Grabs was involved;
• James T Wyman goes back to Hamilton. Who?
  

Hey look, HF4 had a late review yesterday. Scroll down to check it out.

Read the whole fucking thing...

Boys Will be Boys: Game/Wedding Results: Couple Weds, Caps Beat Habs 4-3 (so)

"How much time left?"

There's a reason this review is coming to you so late. I've been waiting for this pic all day taken by my buddy PG during last night's wedding festivities.

Pictured above, FHF faithful Manny B. and Karim K. seconds after the bride and the groom entered the room and began their first dance together.

I should have been handing business cards out last night because after, I'd say, like, 3 quarters of the guys poured out of the reception hall and into the bar at the Mount-Stephen Club midway through the third, most women were left contemplating how quickly they were going to divorce the bums they had married. Thankfully, the groom didn't join in on the fun.

When one of the wives showed up to locate and retrieve her errant husband, I attempted to rescue the man by shouting "Hey! Who turned on the game! Change it back to Desperate Housewives!" That may have made matters worse.

The best thing about going M.I.A. for about 25 minutes is that I got to avoid watching this loss in the middle of the night. I can't offer much of a review because we were all drunk, and nervous and keeping one eye on the screen and the other on the life threatening danger of wife passing by who would inevitably offer us a "What the fuck are you guys doing?!"

My wife rules and actually came in to watch the shootout with me. What you resist persists folks so don't hide from the spouses, just ask them to join you for the fun, otherwise you create an adversarial context that leads to a clash of civilizations that would make Huntington drool.

Squid needs to come up with a new move on the shootout, yes, but the Habs need to find ways to not get there 7 times a week. The Pleks goes wide thing is getting as old as George Burns in 1876. Let's not be too harsh on these boys; as Manny B. and Karim K.'s Blackberry and Ipod will attest, (it will attest 12 or 13 times on a given evening, say during the first dance, during the best man speech - thank the good Lord it wasn't an afternoon game, because scores would have undoubtedly been retrieved in Church and guests would have been excommunicated - I, the only invited Jew, would have been safe though because Jesus can't hurt me because Moses will not let him) the team kept it close for 65 minutes, which is all you can ask for when most of the players are on the mend.

Letting this one slip away with 20 seconds left in the game didn't help us on a night where we tried our darndest to keep things positive in the face of our friends' beautiful commitment to a life together. The party slipped for a few minutes until we realized that on this night, the loss didn't really matter, and we put it all in perspective to immediately grasp the deep significance of the moment we were all celebrating: despite the rash of injuries, the Habs were only 2 points out of a playoff spot.

Read the whole fucking thing...

Relax, He's Playing, Your Tickets for Tonight's Game Are Still Worth Something: Habs-Caps Open Thread

Where: Bell Centre @ 7 p.m. Game is a national broadcast on the CBC or RDS (but National means something a little different if you're watching it on RDS, like June 24 National), meaning Leafs won't be losing on this Saturday night, making the experience a little less enjoyable for everyone.

Why I'll be watching the game on Tvo at around 2 a.m.: Buddy decides to get married smack in the middle of the game. I really hope the food is worth it otherwise I'm bouncing the 40$ cheque.

+ 1 for the blog name: On Frozen Blog, that seem to have a taste for everything capital.

By way of background: These two teams came up with one of the best games of the season just last Friday, with the Habs surprisingly coming out on top and Ovie shut out on the scoring sheet. Look for order to be restored in the galaxy tonight.

Hot CH: Squid is hot. Pleks is in the medium range and Little Tits is making a case for his disdain for Hamilton. Carey is totally coming into form. Everybody else is injured or dead.

Hot Caps: The best player in the world (ever? discuss) is going to have one of those Cam Neely I-don't-care-how-many-games-I-play-I'm-still-gonna-score-50 type of seasons. We're all going to turn into huge Mike Green fans in February. Where the heck did this kid come from? He's got 12 points in his last 8 games.

Goaltending in the Capital: Jose Theodore and Semyon Varlamov have just about split the team's games this season, getting in 13 and 14 starts respectively. But the kid's numbers are just in another league, boasting a 2.35 GAA with a .922 avg compared to Theo's 3.24 and .893. If this trend continues it won't be about Varlamov stealing the starting job from Theo in the playoffs again, it'll just be his to begin with. I have to say though, with what Theo went through this summer numbers mean squat and you can measure his contribution by the courage it takes for him to get up in the morning.

Pay your cover to: A night out on Crescent and De Maisonneuve. Start of at Troikas for a good Russian meal in homage to the best player in the world (ever? discuss), and then make the 3 minute walk over to Wanda's and ask a woman called Svetlana to make your St-Petersburg feel special.

So, let's hope for a good wedding, lots of free booze and a late night game viewing that doesn't end in an overtime loss because man do I hate watching those in the middle of the night.

Discuss what's on your mind. Lets us know how you are feeling. Should Ovie be playing tonight, did the CBC interfere? Did Benoit Brunet call the NHL and say "Hahahaha, Ovie doit jouer samedi soir! Vous pouvez pas faire ça aux partisans! Hahahahah!" I love you all.

Read the whole fucking thing...

The Morning Skate is rooting for the Als for Sexy Friday, November 27

Bullet points for what you missed while dreaming of Bar Rafaeli in a bikini...

• In case you missed all the comments, finally some there was decent injury news as Markov, Gomez, and Jaro 2.0 all skated yesterday. They're talking about Gomez playing Saturday because Desharnais went back to Hamilton, and maybe Markov coming back early, before the Olympics. Praise Jebus;
• Sens win a tight 2-1 game over the BJ's;
• H. Sedin gets the winner for Vancouver;
• Big surprise, Ovie avoids suspension. Can't have your superstars sitting in the press box you know.
  

TMS is seriously getting Grey Cup fever. Congrats to MVP Anthony Calvillo. Go you fucking Als (cheerleaders).

Read the whole fucking thing...

Well you didn't seriously expect them to win, did you? Pens 3, "Habs" 1

As the only FHF'er to have seen the game last night and not be in court today (as a lawyer; I do have that "possession with intent to distribute" preliminary hearing later), yours truly has been drafted to review yesterday's matchup between the Pens and one of the top teams in the AHL. But I don't want to. Not that I'm shirking my responsibilities as a blogger (wait, we have responsibilities?), but I really don't know what to say that I didn't already say in TMS this morning. It was really a decent showing for a 3-1 loss. Overall, the team played hard and didn't embarrass themselves. Fin.

100 years of glory, and we've come to the point where "not embarrassing ourselves" is a victory. I feel shame.

Read the whole fucking thing...

The Morning Skate for Thursday, November 26th

Bullet points for what you missed while dreaming of crashing a state dinner...

• Pittsburgh 3, Hamilton 1. I don't think anyone really expected much with that lineup, and as we said in the open thread, it was really a pretty good effort against the Stanley Cup champs. PatCHes looked like he got killed. We were overmatched, let's move on;
• Dammit, Leafs win;
• Brodeur wins, yawn;
• Boston beats the Wild, who are without Gui! because of visa issues;
• Marian Hossa debuts for the Hawks, scores two in a 7-2 win.

Happy Thanksgiving to all our American readers out there. May your turkey be moist and your football be Detroit Lions-free.

Read the whole fucking thing...

Try not to get injured getting a lap dance - Bulldogs-Pens preview and open thread

Remember the old days when FHF just used to post pictures of random strippers? Good times. Well, those days are back for a bit as GoldenGirl11, in solidarity with the Habs, has gone on IR with Photoshoppers' wrist. We wish her a speedy recovery.

So yes, injuries. They're mounting up the wazoo. If the weekend's loss of Jaro 2.0 and Gomez wasn't bad enough, today we learn that Big Tits, finally starting to play like an actual NHL'er, was seen this morning walking with crutches. That's thanks to the dreaded lower-body injury suffered after blocking a shot (I'm sure that was accidental) last night. Kill me. To replace him, your next Hamilton bulldog with the big club will be David Desharnais. In 7 games this year, he has 4G 6A. Hey, that's alright. He's like 5'7" and 150 lbs soaking wet, so he'll fit right in too.

I'm just too depressed from the walking wounded to give you any creativity in this preview. I'll tell you that the game is at 7:30 at Mellonhead Arena in Pittsburgh. Earlier this year, Habs got crushed by Sid's hat trick in a 6-1 loss that hopefully will be the low point for the season. Pens still lead the Eastern Conference. You already know about the Pensblog, so check out The Sidney Crosby Show, if you can stomach it.

Pleks, Squid, Price, Sid, Evgeni, MAF, etc., etc. On the good news front, I have discovered that Habs actually have a better power play than the Pens. I really don't know how that's possible, but the interwebs never lie.

Carey is getting the start again. Damn fucking right. Ride that streak baby. HI/O reports that Big Tits is actually a game-time decision despite the crutches. Total bullshit JM, stop covering your ass, I'm sure he won't play.

FUCK! A lamp just dropped from my office ceiling and landed on my blogging arm. Preview over. Medic!

Read the whole fucking thing...

The Habs Morning Game Day Skate for Wednesday, November 25

There was only one game in the show last night, so let's talk about it! Habs beat the BJ's 5-3 in a game that can only be described as ah, uh, hmmm. Well we don't know how to describe it. How about "entertaining"? Tale of two games basically. TFS keeps us in the game for the first 25 or 3o minutes after we leave him to the wolves. Then we seemed to find some energy and a weak Mathieu Garon, and poof! 5-3 win. The Urologist scored 2 (at even strength no less) but still ain't great at D (though he was better), the Tits combined for 3 assists, and Mad Max seemed to come to life unburdened by the dead weight of Gui. Rick Nash got away with attempted murder of Travis Moen.

Not much else to report from around the hockey world. Danny Brière gets a 2-game suspension for leaving his feet and blindsiding a guy with an elbow to the neck. Hey, it's not like he accidentally knee on knee'd someone. And while TMS doesn't like to laugh at any injury, being out a month for getting hit in the face with a puck while being the backup goalie on the bench is pretty damn amusing.

Enjoy your highlights while we contemplate Sid the Kid tonight.

Read the whole fucking thing...

Today's preview and open thread is all about Tits and BJ's

Mmm, Tits. Aren't they great? Of course they are. Everyone loves Tits. They're fun, they're bouncy, they seem to be coming to life just at the right time, ready to explode in the midst of BJ's.

Wait, what?

Putting on the bra details - 7:30 PM start in Montreal. Get ready for McSplooging on some Tits. This is the only meeting this year between the two teams. They played once last year, with Columbus winning in a SO, but only after Little Tits tied the game in the final minute. Destiny! Columbus is off to a decent start, 12-7-3 though they've lost two in a row coming in.

It's a bro... no, it's a manzier - On the other side of the aisle, check out Tea with Ms. McGill. Any blog that references Youngblood is alright by us.

Nice bazongas - Big Tits is coming around, 3 points in his last 2 games. It's a start. Squid is single-handedly willing this team to points, with a huge assist to Pleks. TFS is hot enough to have been named 2nd star in the NHL last week, and he's getting the start again.

Man those things are saggy - with Gui Gone Wild (TM L Dude), Gomez on the shelf, and BGL losing salary, no one is really qualifying for this space. Métro is pointless in 4, but so what.

Some bodacious tatas - Kristian Huselius has 5 points in his last 3 and RJ Umberger has 3 points in his last 2. Overall, the BJ's have the 3rd best PP in the league.

Tara Reid's lopsided surgical wonders - both Rick Nash (o points, -4) and Steve Mason (4 goals in 26 minutes and pulled) shit the bed in NY last night. Overall Steve Mason is suffering some sophomore blues, with a 3.59 GAA and a .885 save%.

In need of some augmentation surgery - to the nice list of Gio, Gomez, Vodkov, Gill, and Dagger, you can now add Benoit Pouliot. And you also add Jaro 2.0 to the list as of this morning, putting Jay Leach in the lineup. From practice today, it looks like Little Tits will be on the 4th line with CHips (yay!) and a just called up JT Wyman (who?). This team will be unrecognizable by Christmas.

Your post-game adult entertainment - can only be tits.com. It could not be more NSFW if it tried. It features tits, as you may have guessed.

Lets hope Tits are around for a while.

Read the whole fucking thing...